No. This isn't right. What has the world come to when a person can't get a Mountain Dew at any hour of the day? This is it. Empty handed, you walk over to the security guard. When he isn't looking, you bash him in the head with a nearby sack of dog food, rendering him unconscious.
With his gun in hand, you shoot one shot at the ceiling, and everyone gets on the ground.
"Where is the manager?" You yell in a loud screech. When no one steps forward, you shoot the gun again.
Eventually a balding man steps forward. Sweat stains mark his blue button up, and despite the mustache that covers the majority of his mouth, you can tell that he is frowning. Pointing the gun at him, you tell him to get on the phone and call someone to bring a case of Mountain Dew. He agrees, disappears in his office, and immediately calls the police.
Within fifteen minutes, the place is surrounded. Swat, snipers, two officers at every door, and a dude in a bullet proof vest with a bullhorn are looking at you along with a few hundred spectators. They want to negotiate.
With sweat dripping down your face, you make your requests into the phone. A case of Mountain Dew, a microwave to cook some of these Hot Pockets, and your computer. And fast. You got a raid coming up. Oh, and one last thing, Claire.
In twenty minutes your computer is set up and you're logged in. Claire is there, crying in the corner, and while you aren't happy about her sadness, you're glad to show her what you are so good at. Proudly you describe the healing and potions that fill the screen.
And while you push your way through the raid, the swat team is raiding the place through the ventilation system above the frozen foods. Your chance of living is low, but as you bash away at the keyboard with a girl beside you, you gain the rarest item: pride.
You have achieved everything you wished for in life
Want to take part in our much-publicized trade in program to swap an old tablet or video game for in-store credit? Great! We just need your license, home phone number, email address, work number, and your fingerprints. We might even take a mugshot of you.
Are you ready to be consistently depressed by how you're throwing your money and life away? Check out Loot Crate's 2015 lineup of upcoming crates!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.