FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Irvine, California - September 10th 2005
Something Awful LLC, a worldwide leader in state-of-the-art hatemail harvesting technologies, announced the release of Chris Hope Football Simulator 2005 today, their first foray into the computer gaming market.
"I am very pleased to announce that my first video game has been completed and is now available to download for FREE at somethingawful.com" says series creator Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell, a bold newcomer whose one-man approach to game development has earned him comparisons to industry visionaries such as Derek Smart and American McGee who also work completely alone. "My two greatest loves in life are video games, football, and math. Combining these passions has been a dream come true, and I am confident that the end result is the most accurate football sim on the market."
An ACTUAL pixel from the game magnified 200x to illustrate the myriad of colors which Chris Hope Football Simulator 2005 is able to produce using its next-gen graphics engine.The decision to release Chris Hope Football Simulator 2005 at no cost whatsoever stems from the developer's belief that a free edition of the game will draw in fans who might not otherwise stray from the Madden series which they've been brainwashed into buying year after year. Once they see the numerous ways in which Chris Hope Football Simulator 2005 outperforms the competition in terms of both fun and realism, they'll gladly pay for next year's edition, Chris Hope Football Simulator 2005 2.
So what makes Chris Hope Football Simulator 2005 the most in-depth and accurate representation of the sport on the market?
Lifelike AI that runs right for you, jukes left and right, or overwhelms you with sheer numbers depending on the situation!
Real players modelled with stunning precision! Michael Vick is left handed in real life, and he's left handed in the game too! Etc.!
Jarring sounds of impact and a seemingly endless supply of toe-tapping atmospheric music just like the stuff they play in real stadiums!
Tactics! In order to succeed you must read the opposing team's placement and react accordingly, making adjustments on the fly!
About Chris Hope
Why Chris Hope? The decision was a no-brainer, as the Steelers' safety is the most dominant and popular athlete in the world. Chris Hope is a defensive legend, an integral part of such unforgettable historic plays as Guy Carrying Ball Gets Pushed Out Of Bounds By Chris Hope and Chris Hope Gives A Teammate Who Just Recorded A Sack A High Five. Defense wins football games in the NFL, and Chris Hope is a thousand dollars worth of defense in a five hundred dollar suit.
Experience the future for yourself by downloading the full version of the game. Just remember, as real as the world you are about to enter may seem, it is only a simulation. If you find that you are frightened, please close your eyes and gently roll out of your chair onto the ground, crawling out of the room until you are at a safe distance. If you find yourself on fire, have a loved one bat out the flames with a fire axe.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
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