Hi, you barely know me. We're not even really acquaintances. We see each other from time to time in the office and sometimes when they have mandatory company-wide meetings we'll make eye contact for a second. You seem pretty nice. I was wondering, and stop me if this is a little strange, but I was wondering if you could tell me your views on male circumcision.
Hear me out.
What I am really looking for on this one is not just a "for it" or "against it" sort of thing. That's too easy. I could get that anywhere.
No, I want you to wait until we are driving a long distance together, or maybe stuck in an elevator or on a flight together, basically trapped in the same area, and just let me have it all. Tell me everything you feel and think about male circumcision. If you could somehow physically situate yourself between me and the exit that would be even better. Really get in the way so if I want to leave I am going to have to make a big deal out of it.
I want to be very clear on this, because I realize it's a strange thing, but I want you to physically force me to listen to your views on male circumcision. Make a lot of eye contact with me while you're doing it. I want to know about mutilations in Africa, I want to hear about deformed penises and lack of sensitivity. Call it child abuse. Call it superstition or religious ignorance. Call it whatever you want, just tell me about it.
I have to know! I am begging. Let me hear everything you know about "the hygiene myth" and doctors pushing it on confused parents. If you could layer seething personal aggrievement on top of everything that would be even better. Use phrases like "damaged for life" and make me think you have some weird, chopped up yam dick that pisses sideways. I absolutely need to know all of this.
Let's hear detailed descriptions of penises. I'm sure you've seen some gruesome photos of botched operations. Talk to me about the process of snipping away the foreskin. I want mental images of dicks. Bloody baby dicks in my mind's eye. As many and as messed up as possible. Talk me through this.
If you find yourself running out of steam, I want you to think about orthodox Jewish circumcision. Really get down in the trenches until I am pretty sure you hate Jewish people. Anything you forget, and I mean the slightest thing relating to circumcisions, please send to me in an email. Got any links? I have nothing but time for circumcision articles. Hell, send that shit company-wide. I know some guys in the warehouse who would love to discuss messed up dicks.
If you are completely exhausted on circumcision (don't hold anything back!) I have a couple other topics I desperately need you to tell me about at your earliest convenience.
Whenever you get a chance, circle back to the circumcision stuff. Do I have kids? Did I have them circumcised? Totally unimportant. It doesn't even matter if you have kids. This is all about your views. You're changing the world. Keep it up.
Thanks in advance.
Chop, chop! If you want to read more about circumcisions, 9-11 and cell phone tumors, head on over to Amazon and pick up Zack's book, 9-11 and the Lie of Circumcision: How Superstition Diminished Our Towers. You can also catch up with him on Facebook and Twitter.
Is the world ready for Staind By Me, St@nd By e-Me, and Crank 3: Stand By Me?
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.