Issue: A cellphone seems to go off at exactly 1:52 in The Clash's 1982 single "Rock the Casbah." Why?

Theory: Using a momentary tear in the universe, Nokia sent a team of cyborgs through time to infiltrate mainstream media with mind-altering ringtones. Codename C.L.A.S.H. was a massive success, leading to a broad cultural acceptance of cellphones, and, to a lesser extent, ska music.

Theory: In an ill-fated attempt to cash in on the Crazy Frog ringtone hype, The Class retroactively added their own ringtone to one of their most iconic singles. Text "Shareef don't like it" to 9999 for the polyphonic version.

Theory: The intern sound engineer responsible for Joe Strummer's vocals abandoned his job when he realized no one can understand the lyrics anyway. Bored in the studio, he began coding sound effects for an early version of the game Snake. The sounds of him fiddling go unnoticed by the largely deaf band members. Years later Nokia purchased his game and used a nearly identical song for their central ringtone.

Theory: Time travel exists, but it's used exclusively by idiotic music fans who forget to put their phone on vibrate.

Theory: During the recording of Combat Rock, the band was selected by the government to test new phone technology. Though signed to secrecy, guitarist Mick Jones breached security protocol and brought the new device to the studio when his parrot fell ill. "Sorry," he said, frantically pawing at his pockets for the prototype. "I'm expecting a call from the vet. I think my African Grey is pregnant."

Theory: The Clash added the ringtone sound to the song "Rock the Casbah" as a political jab to the use of cellphones as IED detonators in the Middle East. No idea how they figured this out ten years before the technology and twenty years before the warfare.

Theory: To prove just how indestructible their phones were, Nokia launched one in space. Once beyond the atmosphere, the phone gained speeds, orbiting the earth once every hour before finally vanishing, never to be seen again. Scientists were baffled, but one exceptionally stoned dude pointed out that exactly 1000 days earlier, Combat Rock was released. Coincidence?

Theory: Despite his business success, the Finnish CEO of Nokia was most proud of his Clash cover band Läpland Cälling. In an effort to stick it to the establishment from the top, he chose a sample of his favorite song to be played whenever someone received a call.

Again, these are all speculation. If you have any information on to why a cellphone seems to appear in "Rock the Casbah," please contact me ASAP. Thank you.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2016 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.