Hey look, it's Dragon Mountain. Dragon Mountain is a center for all mystical energy in this entire region. All of the life force as far as the eye can see emanates from that mountain. Let's climb it.

This path we're on, this is the Way of Buddha. The carvings along the wall allow us to meditate on his Life and Works. I bet Buddha's wife didn't talk back to him, eh? Eh? Yeah, you know what I mean.

That stream ahead is the Stream of Wing Pai. Its slow crystal waters represent the purity of an empty mind. If you have any distracting thoughts or unpleasant memories, you can place your head beneath the surface and all will be washed away by the cleansing mental energy. No really, put it in there. Me, I'm just gonna stick my feet in. I've got corns like you wouldn't believe.

Ok enough resting. We're on Dragon Mountain now. What's Dragon Mountain good for? Climbing, that's what. Let's climb.

Ah, here we are at the quiet glade. This is the Clearing of the Seven Spiritual Wonders of the Emperor. Here the greatest monk warriors meet to test each other's skill with the Chi Fist. Those guys would beat the crap out of your pansy ass, believe me. I arm-wrestled one of them over a half-blind prostitute once. He used his brain to control my arm and by the time I got it to stop strangling me, him and Mei Ling were halfway to Vietnam. Asshole.

Dragon Mountain has many hidden dangers. Secret pits lined with jagged spikes. Elusive hermit watchmen who strike with no warning. Legendary creatures you'll swear aren't real until they tear out your throat. Watch your back, kid. I'd hate to have to leave you behind...

Just kidding. You think I'm crazy? This mountain is perfectly safe. Oh man, you should have seen your face. Let's keep climbing.

Hey look, there's Fox Mountain across the way. Let's climb that one next. Nah, just kidding. We're only gonna climb Dragon Mountain. Watch out for that pile of monkey shit.

Am I worthy of Dragon Mountain? I often ask myself that. Dragon Mountain is all about purity of mind and spirit. But it's also a mountain, so anyone with legs could climb the hell out of that bitch. I think that's an important message in these troubled times.

So here we are. At the top of Dragon Mountain. Look at this view. I bet you could see my house from here. Ha, ha, you could probably see my wife before you saw my house. Yeah, she's pretty fat. Also we're replenishing the natural chi in our bodies.

Do you feel the vital flow of the Dragon working through your bones? No? Well, that's because you're not in the proper meditative position, dipshit. Make your body as like a heron at peace on a slim branch in a great wind. Like as a heron at peace, goddamnit. You look like a heron giving birth. Close your legs. Jesus Christ.

Ok, now let's float down from the mountain using the Glourious Powers of Taoist Flight. We will walk upon the currents of the air as a frog walking upon lillypads over water. No, we don't climb down Dragon Mountain. We just climb up it. I'm surprised you can practice Taoist Flight with that fat head of yours.

I hope you enjoyed your trip up Dragon Mountain. May you take its lessons with you as long as you live. And when you meet people and they try to throw attitude your way, you just give them a stern eye and say "I've climbed Dragon Mountain" in your toughest voice. I've never tested that but I'm sure it works.

Alright bye now.

Nice guy. He's sure gonna go places. Oh, hey kid. Yeah you. I know you see me. Get back here. You see that mountain. That's Dragon Mountain. Let's climb it.

– Joseph "Maxnmona" Fink

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

  • SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.