I was in the grocery store and there was an elderly clown walking around without pants and nobody seemed to notice or care. I mean he didn't even have on underwear and he was just walking around the produce aisle. I seriously almost puked. He was hanging around one of those caution signs they put up after they mop, and I think he was trying to intentionally slip and fall, but it wasn't working because his shoes were way too big.
I can't find anything on the local news about this. I grabbed a newspaper, but it was all stupid clown stories but no explanation for the clowns. The headline was "GOTCHA!" and there was a picture of one clown hitting another with a pie. Seriously, that is the top story? Is there no more crime? There's nothing to report? How about the fact there's like a million clowns in town.
How long has channel 38 been an all-clown network? It's just nothing but normal shows, except with clowns playing every character. It's terrible.
Update: Looks like channels 7, 9, 12, 15, 26, and 28 are all clown channels, too. Channel 28 is weird because it's all clown sports, but none of the sports involve anything resembling rules or actual competitive play. Who would watch this?
I went to the park today to get some exercise and it was so full of clowns I just turned right around. I didn't see any normal people at all outside today. Went past the coffee shop, and it was so full of clowns I couldn't believe it. Just a big mess of colors behind glass. I don't think any of them were even drinking coffee.
More clowns are living in my apartment complex now. I don't know how it's happening. I tried calling the landlord, but got no answer. I'm surrounded by clowns. I've locked all the doors and windows and I can still hear them outside honking and tooting their stupid horns. Think I'm going to try to slip out quietly and stay in a motel out of town tonight.
A pie hit my window a few minutes ago and scared the shit out of me. They seem to be getting kind of riled up out there.
I've never felt so alone outnumbered in my life. They are supposed to be funny in amusing, but when they are everywhere you just feel like they are going to all gang up and do something horrible to you. They all have pies and rubber chickens and stupid squirting flowers and you just don't want to let them get close at all.
I tried calling the police to report the noise and clown mob but no one would pick up the phone. NO ONE IS ANSWERING 911.
Every single channel on my TV is dedicated to clowns. I can't get hold of anybody. I think the phones are down. I mean they must be if 911 isn't answering.
All the channels are now showing the emergency broadcast system, but it's not telling me where to go or what to do. At least someone is still out there?
I peeked out the window and I saw a lion out there. The clowns have a fucking lion.
They've got torches and they are juggling them and there are other clowns riding circles in tiny motorcycles. Jesus Christ Almighty, there is no way I'm getting to my car at all.
I've got all the lights off and I've moved the TV and laptop to the bathroom where the light can't be seen. I'm barricading the doors now and hoping I make it through the night without getting attacked.
It is about 2:00 AM here.
The power has been flickering on and off. I don't think I'll have another chance to update tonight, but if anyone out there is reading: I need help fast! I can hear the clowns out there and they are banging on the doors and windows. There is loud circus music playing.
Sometimes it gets quiet and I can hear them twisting balloons. That horrible sound, it's like nails on chalkboards. They may well be twisting me a balloon noose.
I'm locked in my bathroom and I don't have any way of defending myself. I'm seriously afraid for my life. I just hope to god I can get out of here tomorrow.
PLEASE HELP. PLEASE, PLEASE HELP. JESUS GOD SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!!!
Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic follow up to "Baby Got Back" has serious unintended consequences.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
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