Congratulations on your new career at the Campus Health Center. As the primary caregiver within the university, you are responsible for helping thousands of students throughout the school year. To streamline the process and allow you to assist as many students as possible, here is a list of all ailments and corresponding treatments you are to encounter.

Condition: Migraine
Treatment: Two Advil

Condition:
Kidney Infection
Treatment: STD Pamphlet

Condition:
Diarrhea
Treatment: Lollipop

Condition:
Coughing
Treatment: Pencil with Health Center Logo

Condition: Excessive Coughing
Treatment: Sample Packet of Claritin D

Condition: Hangover
Treatment: Lollipop, Half Advil

Condition: Restlessness
Treatment: Condom and or Dental Dam

Condition: Bee Sting (Normal Reaction)
Treatment: Two Advil

Condition: Bee Sting (Allergic Reaction)
Treatment: Two Advil

Condition: Sore Throat
Treatment: STD Pamphlet

Condition: Depression
Treatment: Pencil with Health Center Logo, Lollipop

Condition: Bronchitis
Treatment: Lollipop, Sample Packet of Claritin D

Condition: Broken Bone
Treatment: Three Condoms, Dental Dam, Lollipop, Optional Advil

Condition: Anxiety
Treatment: Twelve STD Pamphlets

Condition: Undisclosed Feminine Issue (Physical)
Treatment: Two Advil

Condition: Alcohol Poisoning
Treatment: Two Lollipops

Condition: Runny Nose
Treatment: Pencil with Health Center Logo every hour for eight hours

Condition: Dementia
Treatment: Dental Dam folded inside STD Pamphlet stuffed inside Condom

Condition: Wound (Gunshot, Knife, Arrow--NOT CROSSBOW)
Treatment: Pencil with Health Center Logo, Condom

Condition: Undisclosed Feminine Issue (Mental)
Treatment: Eighteen Advils

Condition: Depression
Treatment: Sample Packet of Claritin D

Condition: Wound (Crossbow)
Treatment: Pencil with Health Center Logo, Dental Dam

Condition: Acne
Treatment: STD Pamphlet

Condition: Amputation
Treatment: Three Condoms, Lollipop

Condition: Hoarding
Treatment: Nine Pencils with Health Center Logo, Box of Condoms, Shipment of STD Pamphlets

Condition: Painful Urination, Discharges
Treatment: Lollipop

If student does not suffer from listed ailment, have student return once listed ailment appears.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

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