That was a sample page from Revenge Guy, a dark crime-noir comic book that I created several years ago. An epic mix of The Punisher and Frank Miller's Sin City, it was much better than both and was set to be the next big thing in the world of comics. The backstory was incredibly unique. When Guy Machoson's family, weight set, and guns were blown up with a tactical nuke by common thugs who were robbing his house, Guy was left with nothing to live for. He took his guns (new ones) and headed to the streets, seeking revenge for all that he lost by killing every criminal on Earth. He supported himself by taking the dead lowlife thieves' dirty money and sometimes holding up 7-11s. It was brilliant. Sure, some women might have complained that Revenge Guy only featured females who got naked, and said that the book was demeaning and insensitive. But you know how broads are. They were probably on the rag or just fat and looking for someone to take it out on. Probably both.
Unfortunately, Revenge Guy was never released due to bad timing: I sent it to a publisher mere days before they wrote to tell me that they hated it and would never publish it. I was too late, damn the luck! I often wonder how different my life would have been if I had sent it a week earlier. I'm thinking there would be a lot more jet-skis. Don't ask me why. I don't even live near water, but it's just a hunch.
A true artist doesn't sulk and dwell on the past. Although Revenge Guy never made it to print, I'm moving on to new projects because quite frankly the medium of comics cannot survive without me. For my next book I'm going to make something even more unique. To challenge myself, I have to take my considerable talents into uncharted territories and make a comic unlike anything you'll find on the shelf nowadays. I've decided to do this by making a superhero book, Captain Invincible.
The first issue is only in script form right now, but I figured I'd give you a preview of your soon-to-be favorite comic. We open in a cafe, where Captain Invincible and a reporter from the Daily Planetglobe are conducting an interview over lunch.
Reporter: So what's it like to be Captain Invincible? Most of us can only dream of being invulnerable.
Captain Invincible: It's pretty great, but I'm not completely invincible.
Reporter: You're... not?
Captain Invincible: Oh goodness, no. Every hero has weaknesses. Mine are physical attacks of any sort, telepathic attacks, loud noises, and all germs and illnesses. Especially polio.
Reporter: Wait, what exactly are you invulnerable to?
Captain Invincible: Everything else, of course!
Reporter: Which is...?
Captain Invincible: Amazing! But don't worry, I've vowed to use these powers only for the good of mankind.
(Through the window which Captain Invincible and the reporter are sitting next to, we see the 12th National Bank across the street. Its doors fly open and a gang of robbers spill out while shooting wildly. Captain Invincible ducks under the table.)
Captain Invincible: Good God, the bank has been robbed! Time for me to spring into action... let me borrow your cell phone!
Reporter: You're gonna call the cops? That's it? If that's all you do, why don't you at least have a cell phone of your own?
Captain Invincible: Are you kidding? A phone's delicate circuitry would likely fry with prolonged exposure to my unfathomable power! It's immense! Besides... (lowering his head in shame, casting stark shadows across his troubled face in a full two-page splash panel) my costume has no pockets.
And that's just the first three pages! Of course, no hero is complete without his fair share of enemies. Consider classic villians such as Doctor Octopus, Doctor Doom, and the Unexpected Colonoscopy Man. These great bad guys had one thing in common: a PhD. Armed with this knowledge, I set forth to create what I think are some of the most memorable, unique, and deep supervillians in the history of fiction. First we have Doctor Burn:
Next up is the chilling Doctor Frosty:
And finally the dreaded Doctor Completely Invisible:
With so many formidable opponents, Captain Invincible runs the risk of being overwhelmed. He needs an ally, which comes in the form of Roy. Roy is a janitor by day and a Jedi hero - complete with light saber and a full array of force powers - by afternoon (Jeopardy is on tv at 7). A lot of people ask me if I'm afraid George Lucas will sue me for copyright infringement, but I checked and there's no character in Star Wars named Roy, so I'm okay.
So ends the inside scoop of my comic. Now that the word's out, I'm sure the major publishers will begin a fierce bidding war on Captain Invincible that will only end in a lucrative publishing deal or bloodshed. Or maybe a publishing deal that bleeds like some spooky contract of the damned, if they still make those. Call your local comic store to reserve your copy of the first issue today, and if you accidentally call the wrong number be sure to ask if anyone named Pete is there. Somehow I've never met anyone named Pete, but you'd think there would be a bunch of them out there.
I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but the bathrooms at State Og are roughly half the size of normal bathrooms in every way. Even the toilets and fixtures themselves are built to half-scale. Because of this, some folks say that Og agents are actually leprechauns of a sort, and that if you manage to corner one in a stall he'll give you wealth beyond your wildest dreams. Others say that half a bathroom is all we really need, and that State Og agents are a gentle and unassuming lot who simply don't give in for the extravagant ways of people like you and I. Which is the truth? The world may never know.
Collection agencies can no longer pester people with incessant phone calls, but who says we can’t send over a dozen deaf people to follow them around all day and constantly tell them in synchronized sign language to, “Pay their fucking bills!” If this doesn’t work, the deaf agents break out the semaphore flags, which is the deaf person’s way of shouting.
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Tucker Carlson's idiot brother just called New York mayor Bill de Blasio's spokeswoman a "LabiaFace."
Hey, have you guys ever seen a picture of a cat before? Well, guess what. It’s your lucky day, because I’m mixing the concept of a picture of my cat with the concept of the Internet!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.