Wolverine: Hey guys!
Guardian: Wolverine, we've lost the fight. We're all badly injured. Where... (coughs up blood) where were you?
Wolverine: I'm the best there is at what I do... and what I do is hide in robots until fights are over!
Northstar: I'm gay.
Wolverine: Yeah, you told us already.
Northstar: Well, I just wanted to let everyone know I still am. Just in case anyone thinks something has changed.
Face Painter: So what'll it be?
Wolverine: A dragon breathing fire on a skeleton as the skeleton rams a greatsword right up the roof of its mouth and through the top of its head, where the dragon's brains are splattering all over the place.
Face Painter: Haven't learned that one yet. I can do an American flag or a pink teddy bear holding a heart-shaped balloon.
Wolverine: Gimme the flag.
"Undercover As Waiters"
When the world's most dangerous mutant villain is spotted at a local restaurant, Wolverine and Hulk go undercover to flush him out. Will they go too deep, leaving their lives as heroes behind for the magical allure of the food service industry?
Wolverine: Here's your rolls, bub.
Customer: I say, why are they impaled on those horrid blades? And why are those blades protruding from the back of your hand?
Wolverine: I uh... I'm a waiter.
Hulk: HULK BRING WATER TO TABLE! (loud crashing noises) ARGH! HULK DROP PUNY TRAY! HULK SMASH GLASSES!
Customer: What is wrong with that freakish man?
Wolverine: Sorry, sir. Can't be helped, he's Italian.
"Storm And Wolverine Vs. An Eight Year Old Girl"
She won't get away this time!
Girl: Please don't hurt me!
Girl: Why is this happening? Tell me what I did and I'll apologize! I don't want to die!
Storm: Get her, Wolverine! Haha! Get her! Yes! Haha!
"Attack Of The Guys Who Just Throw Their Guns Right At Their Enemies"
Wolverine is outnumbered by an army of ruthless assassins wielding untold amounts of firepower. Will his mutant healing factor be enough to keep him alive when his enemies start throwing their guns at him?
Guy Who Threw A Bazooka: Wait a second, it didn't work! What in the sam hill is going on here?
Wolverine: Was that the best you could do? Say your prayers, bub. (unleashes his claws with a signature *snikt* sound)
Guy Who Threw A Shotgun: Three years of training... all for naught!
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.