INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Establishing shot of Washington, D.C. to help viewers understand where the scene takes place. Move on to another shot just outside the White House, then to a close-up of a plaque reading "U.S. President", before panning around the Oval Office and settling on the PRESIDENT as something catches his eye, causing him to look up from his paperwork.
Who are you? How did you get into this oval office in the White House?
I'm afraid none of that concerns you, mister President of the United States. I've come for the launch codes.
No, I'll never tell you the codes!
Oh, you don't have to say a word. The features of your cranium will tell me everything I need.
The president recoils in horror as the SHADOWY FIGURE's hands move forward, eclipsing the camera. Fade to black as a dramatic symphonic suite begins to play throughout the following rapid-fire scene fragments.
This summer, hold onto your hat... and pray that one reluctant hero can stop a madman before he holds onto it for you.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
Through the scope of a sniper rifle, we see BRADY and PETERSON cross a rickety bridge made of rope and rotted planks, far above the churning rapids of a shallow river.
(stopping mid-stride to feel his own head)
I'm getting something...
What is it?
There's a sniper! Jump!
BRADY and PETERSON jump in slow motion just as the sniper fires.
INT. ABANDONED FACTORY - NIGHT
The SHADOWY FIGURE and BRADY grapple, each with one hand on the crown of the other man's head. They take turns throwing punches and blocks, neither gaining an advantage since they can read each other's moves.
INT. F.B.I. SECRET SPACE STATION "FRANZGALL" - DAY
PETERSON enters the airlock with BRADY, then takes off her astronaut helmet and gazes upon the blood droplets splattered on its surface.
We have to stop him. Not just for ourselves, but for the baby. Our baby.
I'm no good with families. My own parents were murdered when I was three and I grew up in foster care, separated from my brother. How can I possibly be a father?
(taking BRADY's hands and putting them on her head)
All you need to do is feel your way as you go. I know you can do that much.
The baby just kicked! And his name is... Emilio!
INT. NEW YORK PIZZERIA - DAY
A young man in a white apron tosses a circle of dough in the air. As it spins, the camera zooms in on a small device lodged in the dough's surface. It's not made of flour and water, but plastic explosives! A light on the device flashes red, and the entire pizzeria is engulfed in a massive fireball.
EXT. DARK ALLEY - NIGHT
The music stops as the SHADOWY FIGURE steps backwards, out of the rain and into the darkness.
My parents always said my brother and I would grow up to be head cases. If I had only let them live to find out how right they were...
His laughter echoes the title card fills the screen:
FADE TO BLACK
(singing in a creepy a cappella)
It's raining, it's pouring
The old man is snoring
He went to bed with a bump on his head
And he couldn't wake up in the morning
The first time "fast", "decisive", and "efficient" could have been used to describe the Minecraft development team was when they snatched the $2.5 billion dollar check out of Microsoft's sweaty, shaking hand.
Paleo guru and definite non-idiot Luke K. clears the air about some of your favorite pumpkin treats this holiday season. Also he weighs in on the controversy surrounding a paleo wedding cake.
No lifeguard on duty. Maze run at your own risk.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.