You don't need a Guy Fawkes mask and a fedora to keep your computer information secure. Just one of these objects of power should be more than capable of generating a field of sufficient strength to protect an average user. Two is overkill.

Or maybe you're uncomfortable with frighteningly potent totems. Understandable. In that case a more traditional approach to data safety might be the way to go. These steps might seem overwhelming, but in the end they all boil down to using common sense.

If you're using Chrome, always browse in a new Incognito window. You will be completely anonymous. Nothing will be tracked. Just remember to throw your own computer off the trail first by opening a regular Chrome window and doing a search for "How do I remove Incognito from my browser, I will never use it".

Don't hand your computer over to a stranger even if they ask very nicely. Did you know that this is the way 83% of all personal information is stolen? Stay strong. Even if someone with head bandages knocks on your front door and claims to have just been in a horrific car accident, don't give them your computer to look up new car prices. There's a very small chance that they might be lying.

Your desktop wallpaper should not be a picture of all your passwords printed in an extra large font size. Only keep your most-used passwords displayed on the wallpaper, in a medium font size. This will reduce the number of passwords that a high level hacker could potentially crack.

Don't let the FBI track your connection. Remember, when feds run a trace they need the target to stay connected for at least thirty seconds. Otherwise they'll only be able to track a signal to (in order of progression) a country, state, city, block, or street. Be sure to unplug your modem/router after every twenty to twenty five seconds of use to make sure they can never pinpoint your location.

As any computer expert will tell you, opening e-mail attachments is the most surefire way of getting a virus. Don't do it. Instead, go into the settings and have your computer automatically download and launch all attachments for you. Removing the potential for human error makes it impossible to get infected with malbugs. Why is this? Consider the fact that a computer is nearly ten times faster than a calculator. It can see every possible outcome of every scenario and choose the correct course of action.

In fact, don't trust ANY e-mail correspondence from unknown sources unless the subject contains "Important" or "Urgent" or "Greetings" or "hi sexy".

If possible, ask a trusted sorcerer to store your computer in the Negative Zone. Data thieves can't steal what they can't find, after all. In case you don't know any sorcerers, a simple magical Bag Of Holding will do in a pinch.

Question everything. Who owns this site? Why are they asking you to create an account? Why is one of the registration questions "How likely are you to sleep through loud noises, such as someone accidentally dropping a bag of all your precious jewels as they climb out of your window"? Who are you, really? You think you're you, but what if you're an agent that has been programmed to think like you? What about Benghazi?

Every time you step away from your computer, cover your tracks. Delete your web browser's history and cache. Degauss your monitor to remove any lingering afterimages of sensitive information. Format your hard drive and reinstall your operating system. Use a microfiber cloth to wipe your keyboard and mouse, removing your fingerprints. Shred your driver's license and social security card. Ease yourself into the lava pool, fading from this reality as if you had never existed at all. Do this every time!

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell

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