This article is part of the CONEX Convict Connections series.
CONEX > D Block > Personals > Strictly Platonic
i need u to come to the v block hatch
Holla At: a friend @ W Block on 1
Niggas word: AIN'T SHIT YET (0 in last 3 months)
i am a human containing 185 pounds of blood and meat. my bones are full of marrow. i have never been degloved bodily. my skin is tender and unbroken. my intact brain is controlling my actions. i am from this planet and this nation and i did not come here from far away. i am less than 1000 years old.
there are many good things waiting for you at v block hatch. in addition to me, your friend, there are 274 packs of assorted tobacco cigarettes, 9 grams of cocaine in three plastic bags, 11 ounces of marijuana compressed into a brick, 304 skeletonized human bodies, 14 automatic shotguns, 14 riot control suits, and a substantial quantity of magazines depicting human females with enlarged bottoms. you may have all of these things which i have tasted.
you must come to the hatch connecting v block to w block between 1700 and 1720 hours. i feel the warmth of the overseers are lessened during this time allowing you to slip by and kick aside the salts arranged across the doorway and preventing me from giving you these gifts. you need not even open the hatch, just clear a two meter wide path through the salt cordon and my body will force open the hatch and disarm the overseers.
then we will be friends forever
and you will have your reward
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
The inmates of Lambspoke Penitentiary utilize the CONEX network to exchange goods, services, and rumors as things begin to go amiss at Lambspoke.