Congratulations! You've just defaulted on your mortgage and opted out of being a homeowner (or leaser or renter or haver-at-all). You can live Anywhere You Want! (*As long as it's not on city, state, or private property.) I know you've always dreamed about having the entire world as your home, and now it's yours! You've become a citizen of the world, like Benjamin Franklin, or that guy who stands on the library steps saying he's Benjamin Franklin. There are, however, a few basic guidelines you should follow for your new home-free lifestyle.
Here's a hard-to-swallow fact: Life sucks. The world threw you in the dirt and then kicked you while you were down. Then, as you were yelling at it to stop kicking you, it kept on kicking you and took pictures of it and posted them on Facebook. You need an outlet to vent your sorrow and tears of rage. That outlet is guitar. Many homeless people are great guitarists since they have plenty of time to practice, and because our classist society demands a higher playing standard of them.
Here's another fun fact about guitar playing: It was invented by clowns. Here's a serious fact: it could make you rich. If you ply your guitar skills on a street corner, some impressed onlooker may hand you a dollar. That may not seem like much, but consider this: the average wage in America is $25 an hour, whereas you just made a dollar in less than a second. Keep it up and you'll be a millionaire in no time!
Besides freedom, adventure and the XXL hoodies they give out at shelters, the main appeal of homelessness is casual sex with other homeless people. But before you go exploring your newfound sexual freedom outside of what Patti Smith called "society" and you probably call "a 24-hour liquor store," remember not to form any long-term attachments. Take away sex and relationships are basically a financial black hole, and if you're homeless, chances are your finances aren't so good. There's nothing worse than standing at a busy intersection with a sign that says "NEED $$$ FOR NETFLIX AND CHINESE FOOD WITH GF."
All homeless people dumpster dive. It's like camping in an MMO. You might find a valuable item you can sell - or you might get an infectious disease. So let me append that by saying that dumpster diving is like camping in an MMO except you might get an infectious disease. The true appeal of dumpster diving, however, is its feral nature. While digging through a trash heap for food or scrap metal, you'll feel like an Incan tribesman hunting prey in the rainforests of Ecuador. (Warning: If this feeling persists after you've stopped dumpster diving, you may be suffering a fever from food poisoning.) Just make sure to avoid all the cheap junk; it's the valuable junk you're after. Grab too many gaudy, useless objects and you may get scavenger's remorse.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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