Thank you for hiring Mr. Haw Haw, the #1 birthday entertainer in western Minneapolis and one of the top talents at our agency. Mitzy has already gone over the booking with you and your $200 check has cleared, but you must agree to Mr. Haw Haw's contract rider before his appearance at Andy's birthday. Please sign or digitally sign the attached document and send it back to me.
Thank you again and I hope Andy has a great birthday party.
Play Time Talent & Booking
Contract Rider for MR. HAW HAW (clown)
Mr. Haw Haw, AKA Bartek Maciejewski, hereafter known as "The Artist," stipulates certain conditions be met by the venue before his appearance.
Failure to meet any agreed-upon conditions is considered a breech of contract and allows the Artist to decide whether or not to continue with the performance. In this case, all advanced payments and equipment deposits are forfeited. Therefore, it is in your interest, as a client and venue, to carefully read this document before signing.
The performance area should be a clearly defined area no less than 6' x 12'. Prior to the performance, no attendees should be allowed in this area for games or merriments and no refreshments should be served within 20 feet. All trash receptacles or other items that might attract bees, yellow jackets or wasps, should be kept at least 30 feet from the performance area. Bee or wasp stings immediately end the performance. Please provide ample lighting in the form of stage lights, spot lights or a laser light show which can be coordinated with the Artist's manager, Mistress Azalea X.
During the performance, no one other than the Artist is permitted in the performance area, including the birthday boy and other acts booked separately, unless expressly invited by the Artist. This is non-negotiable.
The area in sight of the performance area should not include any mirrors, large reflective-backed balloons or other reflective surfaces which might allow the performer to catch a glimpse of himself. Flash photography is strictly prohibited except during the picture queue at the end of the performance. Please do not speak to the Artist on his way to the performance area prior to the show.
The Artist should be provided with a private room for changing, applying makeup and relaxing before and after the performance. This can be an adult or child's bedroom, as long as all other ambience needs are met and the door is equipped with a lock. It should be sound-proofed and include, at minimum, the following accommodations:
- California king sized bed.
- Full-length sofa of leather or believable faux leather material.
- Two folding tables and folding chairs enough for 12.
- A makeup area including a large mirror, table and sufficient lighting for detail work.
The Artist requires the following items for his private area:
- Life-size poster of Barack Obama with thick cardboard backing.
- Competition quality air pistol with 100 CO2 cartridges and 5,000 pellets.
- A custom neon sign that spells out, letter-by-letter, CLOWNTOWN before flashing three times and repeating the cycle. Red, blue or mixed neon is acceptable. NO purple neon. If this is not possible, please provide an airbrushed wall mural or glossy poster that says CLOWNTOWN with the subtitle "Where Clowns Rule" that depicts clowns posing in front of an exaggerated cityscape, arms folded over their chests. They should be standing in three-quarters hero pose and should not appear sinister. TIF artwork can be provided if a graphic artist is not available for original work.
- A looping tape or noise generator playing helicopter sounds for meditation purposes.
- A recent photograph of the birthday boy that you do not need back.
- 3 permanent markers capable of drawing on photographs.
- A human-sized cage.
- 6 feet of rubber hose.
- A large medical funnel.
If you cannot provide one or more of these items, please notify the Artist's rep and explain why before signing this document.
Refreshments are to be arranged on the two tables in the private room or in coolers as appropriate, unless otherwise noted.
- 24 bagels and condiments including cream cheese, smoke salmon, one jar of Reese Capote Capers, onions (thinly sliced), tomato (thinly sliced), 3 kinds of jelly or jam (seedless), and butter.
- 3 24-ounce containers of saline solution.
- 2 12-ounce containers of vegetable oil.
- An assortment of waters and regular and diet sodas including at least 1 case of Voss water.
- 4 large pizzas from a good local pizza place.
- 1 bottle of Johnny Walker Blue placed on the makeup table with a whiskey glass and ice ready for after show.
- 2 cartons of Japanese Camel Nutty Menthol cigarettes.
- A large bowl of nothing but brown M&Ms.
- A large bucket of ice or an ice machine.
Please include sufficient plates, napkins, cups, forks and whiskey glasses for the refreshments.
The Artist requires a uniformed security guard outside the door to his private room and at least two protecting the performance area at all times, even when he is not performing. The security person on the door should be armed.
The Artist is in a strict master-slave relationship with his significant other, Mistress Azalea X. When the Artist is wearing his slave collar, regardless of whether or not he is wearing his clown makeup, you should avoid eye contact. All questions you wish to ask the Artist should be referred to Mistress Azalea and all references to the Artist should be changed to "Worm."
What if you were a cop and the Skittle was mentally disturbed and wanted to be eaten?
DOPPELGANGER NEEDED - To minimize stress to my dog, I'm looking for somebody who is identical to me to take over ownership. Must also be able to fool my wife. Call to set up interview. 555-8252
I'll never forgive these giant alien insects! I'm trying!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.