January 19th, 2003
Osama bin Laden goes for kidney dialysis in Peshawar, Pakistan



In 2003, Osama bin Laden traveled to the Pakistani city of Peshawar near the Khyber Pass in order to receive kidney dialysis treatment. Accompanying him on the trip was friend and confidante Ayman al-Zawahiri, considered by the CIA to be bin Laden's number two man.
Osama bin Laden:No. No. Sit here. I like to be able to face the door.
Ayman al-Zawahiri:What?
Osama bin Laden:
Hello, most wanted man in the world here. I want to see the door.
Ayman al-Zawahiri:Right, sorry. (Sounds of shifting)
Osama bin Laden:
What is that on the TV?
Ayman al-Zawahiri:Looks like a video about circulation.
Osama bin Laden:
Holy shit, I can't look at that. It's going to make me crazy. Can you change the channel?
Ayman al-Zawahiri:(Sounds of movement) It's locked out or something. I don't know.
Osama bin Laden:
Forget it.
Ayman al-Zawahiri:You want a magazine or something?
Osama bin Laden:
Did you bring my book?
Ayman al-Zawahiri:You said leave it, you only had one chapter left and-
Osama bin Laden:
I know what I said! (Sound of rustling paper) Look at this. Golf magazine, golf magazine, a Sports Illustrated from like 1985, a magazine just about golf clubs...who reads this shit?
Ayman al-Zawahiri:Nephrologists.
Osama bin Laden:
What magazines do you have over there?
Ayman al-Zawahiri:Just some pamphlets about dialysis.
Osama bin Laden:
(Inaudible muttering)
Ayman al-Zawahiri:Are you okay?
Osama bin Laden:
What? Am I okay? I'm about to have all of the blood in my body sucked out of my body and run through a machine! I'm doing wonderful, Ayman! I'm doing great!
Ayman al-Zawahiri:Is that a no?
Osama bin Laden:
It's a no! I am not okay. I am really far away from okay.
Ayman al-Zawahiri:Fine. You don't have to get sarcastic with me.
Osama bin Laden:
Look, I'm sorry. I got like two hours sleep last night because I'm so nervous about this. They said I can't eat or drink anything. I would kill for a Fresca.
Ayman al-Zawahiri:There were machines down the hall.
Osama bin Laden:
I held out this long.
Ayman al-Zawahiri:I meant for later. I can get it while you're...
Osama bin Laden:
Having all my blood su-
Nurse:
Excuse me, Mr. bin Laden?
Osama bin Laden:
Yes?
Nurse:
Doctor Masood was called away. I'm very sorry. If you would like to reschedule...
Osama bin Laden:
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Ayman al-Zawahiri:We barely ever make it into the city. It was a real hassle to come here.
Nurse:
I am very sorry. If you would like, you could see one of the other doctors here.
Osama bin Laden:
Yeah, but let me guess, it's not in my network.
Nurse:
Oh, no, it's all billed through Doctor Masood. No problem there.
Osama bin Laden:
Alright, but we can only stay until about four. We have a videotape to make in my friend's basement full of Jihad flags.
Nurse:
(Sounds of pages turning) Ah, you're in luck! it won't be any problem. Doctor Leibowitz had a cancellation for 2:30.
Osama bin Laden:
You've got to be kidding me.
Nurse:
That's the earliest I've got.
Osama bin Laden:
It's not the time, it's...oh, nevermind. Put me down. Ayman, hand me one of those golf magazines.


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