One of my students puts the fighting tips in this very article into action (the guy on the right).We live in a kung-fu world fraught with punches and kicks. Around every corner is a potential beating, behind every cupboard a bloody nose, under every toilet lid a layer of germs. Pugilism and fisticuffs are the leading pastimes amongst the ruffians that make up the majority of our population, with dust-ups coming in a distant third. Why, I was just beaten to a bloody pulp on the way back from looking those terms up in my 1912 thesaurus. This upturn in violence is the small price we pay for modern technology that makes our life easier such as the air guitar and herpes, but have we gone too far? No, we have not gone too far enough. It's too late to turn back now so your only option is to get used to it. But how will a weakling such as yourself survive? Luckily for your well-being and the length of this article, I am here to answer my own question.
Rather than face your attackers haphazardly and resign to one humiliating defeat after another, it is best to learn combat stances which maximize your fighting skills. Keep in mind that there is no "best" stance to use, and that none will guarantee victory. A true warrior is one that masters many stances and uses them in the appropriate situations, sometimes employing several in a single fight. Take the time to study and practice the following stances which I developed after a lifetime of studying video games and bad movies. Come to know them better than you know the back of your abusive mailman's hand, and soon you'll be the one delivering Victoria's Secret catalogs and concussions to all the neighborhood children.
The Cheap Asshole
The Cheap Asshole is easy to learn and difficult for most opponents to counter. Simply knock your enemy down in the corner of the screen, then sweep kick them as they attempt to get up. The border of the screen will pin them in place instead of allowing them to be kicked away from you, meaning you can simply stay put and kick repeatedly while their life bar depletes.
Disadvantage - Finding the border of real life's screen can prove to be somewhat difficult in the middle of a battle.
Special Move - That kick where your underwear are revealed for one really hot nanosecond.
Over The Top
This stance can be tricky to initiate. After determining that a fight is about to break out but before combat actually begins, wager the legal custody of your only son and your 18 wheel truck on the outcome of the fight. It is recommended that you use this stance sparingly, as big rigs are very expensive. Please note that in order to win, you MUST turn your baseball cap backwards determinedly while staring your opponent down.
Disadvantage - Women generally find sleeveless shirts and trucker hats "goofy" unless you're wearing them in an ironic Hot Topic sort of way, and even if you manage to impregnate one there is a chance that the child she squeezes out will be a girl.
Special Move - Just as you are about to lose, the veins in your straining neck stiffen and a sudden burst of determination gives you the edge over your stunned opponent, much to the delight of the crowd.
This is something of a last resort, a stance you take when defeat is imminent and you are left with no other options. Learn the lyrics to every song from PaRappa the Rapper and recite them to the beat of your assailant's blows. "Kick, Punch, Chop - Block! Don't get cocky, it's gonna get rocky!" will take on an entirely new and brutal meaning. You will receive a savage beatdown of epic proportions, but will leave your assailant with the memory of a catchy rhyme that will forever haunt or possibly delight him.
Disadvantage - The song about diarrhea could potentially get sort of awkward.
Special Move - Free pudding during your stay in the intensive care unit.
While the Robocop stance requires an enormous amount of effort to learn, you will be rewarded with power equal to the effort you put in. After being shot while on duty and having most of your body replaced with state of the art electronics, you will walk the streets with robotic impunity. Your enemy's right jab can be countered with the drawing of your uber-pistol, and his left hook can be countered with pretty much the same thing. Actually, I'm pretty sure you just use that gun for everything.
Disadvantage - Chemicals used to clean your robotic parts irritate the skin while water used to wash your skin rusts your robot parts, impossible to win against opponents who Serve you with funky fresh dance moves.
Special Move - Follow your Prime Directive: starring in two horrible sequels to a pretty cool movie.
While other fighting stances might improve your chances after combat has actually begun, the most efficient stance is one that avoids combat altogether. Did you know that dead people are statistically proven to get beat up a whopping 13% less often than the living? This astounding number simply cannot be overlooked. The dead typically lie flat on their backs in elongated and unassuming boxes, keeping themselves far out of sight of most hooligans. The stench produced by decomposition also serves to repel potential attackers. It's a win-win situation.
Disadvantage - Not fun for claustrophobics or people who enjoy living.
Special Move - Have your chest cave in around your attacker's fist with a wet and hollow crunch, totally freaking them out.
As we continue to strive for wireless air guitars and increasingly larger herpes, our world will only grow more violent. You have no need to worry. You're prepared for whatever may come because unlike the common riff raff, you will have this guide under your belt (in the form of a tasteful tattoo, with a mirror in your underpants for easy reference).
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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