Some of you may be happy accepting government lies, but it's us hardworking cultists who aren't afraid to expose them for the truth!

It's no secret that the bloody capitalist swine hog pig liar Great Satan windshield wiper elf American government lies to us every day and tries to cover our eyes from the real world events happening around us. For example, the first Thanksgiving wasn't some happy funtime community outreach event as they'd like you to believe. Historians have proven time and time again the following facts about Thanksgiving:

1) It never happened.
2) If it did happen, the Indians were not given pumpkin pies and turkey, they were given Small Pox and rape.
3) If that happened, then the Indians were actually ancient Aztecs and the first group of people to "discover" America were Portuguese cavemen who believed the sun rose each morning on the back of a headless flying leprechaun.
4) And if for some reason that also happened, then the Earth is actually hollow and simply serves as a refueling station for the horrible Space UFO Fleet From Beyond the Grave who are looking to expand their conquest by using us as food in their plot to increase global warming by making the streetlight outside our apartment emit a nonstop humming noise which tells us who our true enemies are and why we must kill Louie Anderson or run the risk of being turned into a carrier who spreads the Huge Fucking Thigh Syndrome virus.

And that ain't half of it! The moon landing? It was faked so the Russians wouldn't bother heading up there to steal all that sweet, sweet moon gold that we were trying to get by negotiating with the huge purple guy who's always trying to eat Silver Surfer! The so-called J.F.K. assassination? It was a part of the PROJECT: MANHATTAN BLUE BOOK cover up in which the Navy successfully turned a large boat invisible and gave it the power to stop criminals when Terry "Hulk" Hogan was driving it, assuming the crime syndicate in question was located either on a nearby beach, pier, or dock. Don't even get me started on the whole Martin Luther King Jr. thing because the US government is knee-deep in lies and, quite frankly, I forgot who Martin Luther King Jr. is. I think he played for the Brooklyn Mets and was the first guy to hit three home runs during a 4th quarter power play. It doesn't matter, what I'm trying to say here is crystal clear to anybody who happened to be in the same room as me while I read this update aloud: the American government has clothed itself in a technicolor garment of lies ever since the first day Jesus got off his UFO and proudly stated, "don't mess with Texas." The biggest fallacy the US has been perpetrating does not reside in their many coverups and scandals, but in their nonstop desire to ruin the lives of its citizens for decades now by denouncing the pillars which hold up our society like a very overweight woman being carried across a lake on top an invisible boat driven by Terry "Hulk" Hogan: the senseless badmouthing of cults across the world.

The government is notorious for giving cults a bad name, brandishing them as "cultlike" and claiming they encourage "cult rituals," when in reality cults simply strive to better the human race. Let's take a look at some of the more popular cults and try to set the record straight so all this horrible government brainwashing doesn't turn you into one of those zombies who says "brains" repeatedly and has a difficult time walking around large obstructions such as doors or rocks.

Cult members enjoy happy, active lives full of love and excitement!

The International Chivalric Order Solar Tradition
Government Lies and Claims: Over 74 adults and children committed suicide, believing they would be born again on a different planet.
The Truth: This healthy and colorful religion promoted tolerance, wholesome virtues, and unity by encouraging members to experience new feelings and emotions together. These feelings and emotions could only be found through the highly religious tools known as "bullets flying from the barrel of a gun" and "lots of poison," which the government is now futilely trying to demonize because of something involving "The New World Order" and "Project: Unnecessary Quotation Marks." The members of The International Chivalric Order Solar Tradition are now all rich, famous, handsome celebrities living in the center of Malrmadukia, a planet composed of pure gold, chocolate, and the many exotic drugs William Burroughs injected into his eyes in order to write "The Naked Lunch."

The People's Temple
Government Lies and Claims: 914 people either committed suicide or were killed in "The Peoples Temple Agricultural Project."
The Truth: Jim Jones was a responsible, intelligent man who was ahead of his time. For example, he predicted that in the future the world would end in a devastating nuclear holocaust. Let's look at the facts: there has been no nuclear holocaust and the world has not yet ended. This makes his prediction 100% accurate no matter how you look at it. The US Government was eventually forced to kill him because he invented a handheld device that quickly removed capitalism from any state government without any visible stains or loss in image quality.

Heaven's Gate
Government Lies and Claims: Roughly 14 people died, believing that UFOs were coming to implant their souls into above-human creatures.
The Truth: According to this website, the members of Heaven's Gate believed the "earth as being in the control of evil forces." Keep that in mind while reading this review and realizing Adam Sandler's "Eight Crazy Nights" made $14 million last weekend. Just try to convince me there aren't evil forces controlling the Earth now, jerkass.

As you can plainly see, there was never any reason for the government to persecute these bold and out-of-the-box groups. When it comes down to hammering brass tacks into a horse being led to drink gift water, the government is simply jealous of cults and their charismatic leaders because they can successfully do what the US government has been trying in vain to do for over a hundred years: kill its own members with impunity. Besides, cults are beneficial in almost every way possible! Look at just a few of the following benefits that the act of joining a cult has to offer:

Look at this pleasing image. Doesn't it make you feel great inside?

Security. Being another boring member of the boring public means the only security you will receive is the knowledge that, upon being stabbed to death by a criminal, the police might possibly spend a few hours searching for the perpetrator so they can give him some kind of verbal reprimand and maybe a ticket. Cult members are regularly guarded by burly people brandishing automatic weapons and syringes full of chemicals used to vaporize paint on the sides of NATO submarines. This incredible level of security ensures that threatening, evil people like serial killers or serial killers disguised as SWAT team members cannot get in, while innocent, peace loving individuals who simply want to visit the UFO God by impaling themselves on a sacrificial parking cone cannot accidentally leave.

Answers. If there's one thing cults have, it's answers. Organized religions and governments give vague, confusing, misleading information to their members every hour of every day. Cults are honest and up front, providing people with easy-to-understand answers every day. Who is evil? Everybody but the cult! Who should you trust? Your cult leader! When is the apocalypse coming? Like, totally this weekend, man! Why did somebody just do something that they shouldn't have done? Mind control! What's in this grape Kool-Aid? Love juice that will allow you to visit the Saucer Folk! Cult leaders are very forthcoming and honest, often able to predict the very hour in which you will suddenly decide to take your own life!

Free housing and entertainment. Normal citizens are regularly forced to hand over monthly rent payments for the simple luxury of a roof over their heads and an outlet to attach their many, many "As Seen on TV" devices. Cults offer their members free housing, daily shows, and puppet show seminars extolling popular virtues (puppets may or may not represent the Mole People Beneath the Earth's Crust). All you're expected to do is give them all your worldly possessions (which you will not need on the planet of Remulon-9), agree to dig trenches at 3:00 am and be available for any sudden trench-digging emergencies which may occur at 5:30 AM, and agree to take your own life at a certain date and time which will be disclosed later. Additionally, you will be expected to work 20 hours a day mining raw ore with the Zerg once you are transported to Remulon-9 via teleport catapult.

These features are simply too good to pass up! If the cults up here didn't require me to have previous knowledge in demolitions and knitting anti-government sweaters, I'd join one today and start reaping the rewards! It's a shame the cults aren't recruiting and my agent says I'd have to go to the AA-league before any major league cults become even remotely interested in me. With this in mind, I have decided to start my own cult, one that is officially endorsed not only by Something Awful but also by the Society of People With Unfortunate Last Names (SPWULN).

JOIN THE CULT OF THE MOIST BAG NOW! SUBSCRIBE NOW AND SAVE 33% OFF THE COVER PRICE!

Give something back to the people who have given you so much.

I, Rich "Leader Lowtax" Kyanka, the founder of The Cult of the Moist Bag, promise you that our cult is by far superior in every way to all those other so-called "cults" out there. The problem with cults is that the members develop a cult mentality over time, and soon the status quo becomes the accepted norm. This will not happen in The Cult of the Moist Bag, as I swear to provide exciting ideas and beliefs on a daily basis, perhaps even hourly depending on what narcotics I can successfully scrawl out fake prescriptions for. As it stands right now, The Cult of the Moist Bag believes in the following fundamental principles:

1) All human beings are created equal, except members of The Cult of the Moist Bag, who are by default much better and therefore deserve significant tax breaks and lawn chairs made from diamonds.
2) Every human being deserves the basic freedom to be happy, except members of The Cult of the Moist Bag who deserve both that and the ability to deface non-cult members' cars without facing significant legal punishment.
3) In our "Ranking List of Stuff," God is #1. Jesus is #2. The Moon People are #3. The US government ranks at #8,271, right above "discarded tampons lying in the highway" and below "crippling heroin addiction."
4) Everything our cult believes in is 100% factual and true. If you somehow find "proof" that contradicts something we say, you are clearly being mislead by evil governmental forces or, our arch-enemies, The Spanish Future Men From the Sun.

The Cult of the Moist Bag is a very relaxed, laid-back cult. Frankly, I'm not too interested in making that many of you kill yourselves at this point, as that would hinder my ability to guide you towards the light while simultaneously building me that new garage I always wanted. We don't even have a future suicide date concretely planned, although we do intend on doing it before the robot holocaust which will take place roughly nine months from the time you read this. We understand that when you join The Cult of the Moist Bag, some of your skeptical / retarded friends may question this decision and possibly try to intervene. We want you to know that we understand these feelings of isolation you may have and want to assure you that once you've been in our cult for a few months, you will have completely conquered them and will have no problem gunning these people down in broad daylight. Our God, King God Jesus of the Moon People, is a kind and benevolent deity who wants us to live and then promptly die in harmony. He frequently uses terms like "soul resonance" and "Heaven plane" because he's like so smart and was elected to the position of God a record nine consecutive times now.

As your fearless leader and head of The Cult of the Moist Bag, I promise to never tell you any lie which I don't honestly, completely, 100% feel you will not believe. I will faithfully deliver each and every message from King God Jesus of the Moon People to you in its entirety, even if it forces me to ramble on for three hours about how we cannot trust hats made by the Jews because the Jews use their synagogues as mind control transmission towers that beam out the phrase "SEMEN - SEMEN - SEMEN" over and over. I will protect you from the government-created SuperVirus germs that they're spreading on all the 100-dollar bills in your bank account. And, most importantly, I'll demand we celebrate Thanksgiving the way it was originally; by giving you a horrible disease and raping you, although possibly not in that order.

Snap into the Goldmine!

Wait, that doesn't make any sense.

As usual, it all started with one fatal post over in the Something Awful Forums, this time about the horrors that lay in wait for the poor sap who thought that he or she could hack it in the brutal world of retail sales. Alas, it is a cruel fate and one not to be taken lightly. But we can also take this time to laugh and mock those people because they deserve it.

FUCK YOU

No, I can't give you a discount, because I'll get fired. No, I can't rewind the goddamn movie. No, you can't have a refill. See the sign that says "No refills?" No, you can't have a refund if you sat through the entire goddamn movie. We didn't make the movie, don't bitch at us about it.

*breathes*

Anyone got retail/minimum wage employment stories of woe to share?

Boy, did they ever! But you won't know that for a fact until you go over there and see for yourself, you good for nothing Commie Pinko slobs.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.