Is it a headache or AIDS? WebMD. Need anthro-Frasier fanart? DeviantArt. Looking for purple? Purple.com. There is so much information available on the internet. It's amazing. But with all this content sitting around everywhere, it's easy to get confused. Just for example: Are you looking for (not work safe) couger911.com, a scam-laced "dating" site that preys on late night stoners and depressed Quizno shift managers, OR cougar911.gov, an informative resource for any and all cougar related facts? Don't worry. Take a deep breath. We're here to help you find what you're looking for.

Visit Cougar911.com
Consult Cougar911.gov
Want to warm yourself between some leathered cleavage?There is a cat the size of a Kia stalking you.
You're a red-blooded Zoomba Trainer groupie?Playing dead just seems to get it more excited.
Will the sensual warbling of Bread serenade your lusting?There is a loud banging in your laundry room and a roar best described as "bloodthirsty."
Have you always wanted to fix WiFi, romantically?Your dog is gone, well, most of it at least.
Need someone to "bake your cookies"?Your pet cougar accidentally ate all your chocolate.
You got a roll of quarters and this jukebox's overflowing with Fleetwood Mac?A ferocious killing machine is sitting on your lap and won't stop putting its butt in your face
Ready to take your Oedipus Complex to the next level?There's a cat stuck in your tree and you pray it stays up there and, oh my god, it sees you.
Not sure who is objectifying who?This is it, you've decided. No more pets off Craigslist.
Is sexy date night best filled with a nap after Downton Abbey?A witch put a cougar curse on you and you don't know how to file an insurance form.
All you've ever wanted is Boone's Farm and bedtime stories?For the first time in your life "here kitty" worked.
There's a new bead shop at the strip mall and you need ideas for an anklet?In your dreams it hates Mondays, but you are ready to sacrifice yourself to this cat.
Is discrete, awkward groping while her kids watch Finding Nemo 3D sort of your thing?The cougar mauled your body for awhile but left you to bleed out on its owner's doorstep.
Been planning this Designing Women marathon for weeks?You've lost the installation disk to puma.exe.
Your sexual identity similar to your approach on cleaning your room?You had a face once but it's all just claw and teeth marks now.
Visit Cougar911.comConsult Cougar911.gov

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

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