Praise! Join in prayer, my brothers and sisters in God, as we heap praise upon His glorious name! Can you feel the spirit? Let the spirit in! Let the spirit move you, lest ye be moved by the weeping claw of Satan! Oh, my partners in God, these are dangerous times, times of trial and malfeasance, times when the true word has never been truer and the lies of them who would have you walk with Satan have never been more false. The Gospel is your raft upon a black river of bile, brothers and sisters, and I am proud to say that this ministry is the oar that propels that raft and the rudder that steers it.
But, as always, the Dave Thorpe Ministry is under a threat most foul. Bombarded from all sides by the treachery of those who would put Satan on the throne, we have once again lost our tax-exempt status and must thus make ourselves spiritually culpable in abominable acts. For every thousand dollars you tithe to our Ministry of Light and Hope, the government sees fit to steal three hundred dollars to fund abortions and activist judges. At this very moment, the dollars of a saved man or woman are being spent by the liberals to grind the spinal cords of babies into a fine powder in the MORTAR and the PESTLE of SATAN, so that the CHRIST-HATERS who dare to invoke the name of SCIENCE for their rites of death can fool the nation into believing that they can make a paralyzed man walk again!
Brothers and sisters, we all know that only one thing can make a paralyzed man walk again. Say that one thing with me. Let’s hear the name of that one thing. Hallelujah, let his name coat your throat like honey:
Jesus! Oh Jesus Lord, hamma gon wan bamma humma gum wagga ro hummina hootyhoo, oh Lord God Jesus, oh Lord Jesus, touch us in the spirit to which we’re accustomed.
Oh, Lord, I weep and humble myself before your grandeur! Oh, how blessed I am to be among your people, they that follow your word and reject the name of Satan, they who tithe even above your recommended ten percent so that we can build a FORTRESS to the SKY! Remember that to donate one thousand dollars to the Dave Thorpe Ministry, you will now have to donate thirteen hundred dollars in order to counteract our SATANIC tax burden. Amen!
For years now, brothers and sisters, I have wept on cue whenever the Lord Jesus prompted me through his divine teleprompter, the box of holy light that channels my soul to the great glorious network of souls that funds this holy endeavor. My reward awaits me in heaven, for I ask no reward in this life but the reward of sending other souls to heaven! For the Lord has taught us to be selfless and good, as in Cataracts 5:22, when Craboleth did say unto Sheb, “take not the bread that is offered in the hand of the wicked man, but instead do as the fawn and sup thyself to satiation upon the flax and horsetails that groweth beside the stream of God, for he is the Lord of Man.”
And in my selflessness I tithe these worldly riches that my flock bestows upon me to my own Ministry of Light, the Dave Thorpe Ministry, and I launder these filthy dollars in the river of the Lord, and I convert them to Holy Dollars, which are then spent to help this glorious ministry achieve its goals of Total Gospel Saturation.
Follow me, my kindred souls, as I outline the Gospel Gameplan for this month:
Hallelujah! With the help of exclusive Souls of Light fellowship, the November 2006 Gospel Gameplan bore its holy fruit: we succeeded in purchasing a 96-foot superyacht to spread the Gospel of our Lord Jesus far into the shameful Rivieras and sinful sun-dappled gulfs that SATAN has claimed in the name of TOPLESS HEDONISM. I am honored and humbled to report that our Gospel superyacht has been christened “Jesus of the Sea,” and I will be making my first word-spreading message ministry megatour in only a few short months, when God grants the ideal weather in the Riviera so that I may sail there and combat Satan with a bible in one hand and a fishing rod in the other. Recall ye the words in Crustaceans 3:19, when God spoke and said, “he who is so fortitudinous as to pull the very fish from the ocean and to dine upon them with undressed harlots in the European playgrounds of the rich, he is he who does my work indeed.”
But in my prayers I have found a new ministerial motive: the superyacht has been bought, but still my God demands more of us! Who are we to balk at the financial demands of our creator? We must dig deep into our souls and pockets to reach the charitable goals that our Heavenly Master has set for us.
This month, The Lord contacted me personally with a very specific demand. You see, brothers and sisters, God requires that man glorify him not just through prayer and worship, but through the beauty of art. In the holy month of December, birthday of our Lord, Jesus, the lamb, God has blessed me with a challenge, and I need all of you to help me meet this challenge, or God will surely be disappointed in all of us. He will be disappointed in me for my failure to rally support for His lovely honey-word, his GOSPEL! He will be disappointed in you, oh, most direly! Fatally disappointed!
The Lord’s challenge for December is to raise the HOLY SUM of two hundred thousand dollars in order to glorify His name! Oh, how it delights my soul to be the bearer of this most wonderful news. You can share in my joy by donating a paltry sum of one thousand dollars to the Dave Thorpe Ministry of Light! The proceeds will put God’s plan directly into action! God’s plan this month is to let his name SHINE HOLY from the neck of one of his trusted shepherds. The Lord has asked me, personally, in person, to purchase a large platinum chain with a medallion that says “DAVE THORPE” upon it in shining diamond Old English lettering, so that all of God’s children might look upon the grandeur of my neck and delight in the WORD of GOD, and that word is DAVE THORPE, writ in diamond! Hallelujah!
Stay tuned next month, when God will ask us to buy a new pair of skis and several cases of champagne!
Brothers and sisters in God, do not ever for one minute think that a donation to the Dave Thorpe Ministry does not repay itself twelvefold in the bounty of God’s gratitude! But don’t take my word for it… don’t even take GOD’S word for it! You can simply read these beautiful testimonials from members of the flock who have given of their worldly wallet to help secure their heavenly real estate, for I am the Lord’s Realtor. Behold:
Bill Grangeman from Eureka, Missouri
Dave Thorpe, your ministry is the best! Praise the name of Jesus! I donated three hundred dollars to help you with that hovercraft kit thing, and boy did it ever pay off. The day after I made the donation, I finally got a date! Let me tell you my story so you can put it up on your testimonials:
I was in the Jack in the Box drive-thru, and as I pulled up to get my order, the girl at the window said, “hey, you have some food on your face.” You might be wondering why I already had food on my face before I even got my food; you see, I like to go through the McDonald’s drive-thru before I head over to Jack in the Box, just to get a quick double cheeseburger to tide me over. On this occasion, it had happened that, by no fault of my own, a pickle had somehow migrated out of the sandwich and lodged itself within the thick bracken of my beard.
But anyway, when she told me that I had food on my face, I felt the spark of a true connection. Hallelujah! I asked her when she would get off work, and she stammered for a minute (my beard often makes people nervous) and then told me that she never stops working and never goes home. “Great,” said I. “I’ll come back tomorrow and see you again!” And did I detect the coyest hint of a nod when she handed me my bags? I do believe I did!
So wish me luck lord Jesus, I’ll be going back tomorrow, basically at her request! I consider it a date, don’t you?
Hope you get that helicopter and stuff, praise Jesus,
Wanda Bailey from Jackson, Mississippi
The IRS came knocking at my door the other day to collect the thousands of dollars of Satan’s abortion money that I supposedly owe to the liberal government blood pool. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I told them I’d given every last red cent to you! They told me I can’t write it off as a charitable donation because your Gospel Ministry is a business venture, not a charity. Pah! Consider me one stone that Satan can’t squeeze any more blood out of. Lord Jesus, keep me strong in prison.
Arthur Faddle from Clear Lake, California
Halleludge! I just wanted to let you know that I sent in ten thousand dollars when you were running your campaign to buy out Lady Kitty’s Pussyfarm (shut down the sin from the inside! Praise Jesus!), and it was the best purchase I’ve ever made. My boy Tim was a little put out that he wouldn’t be going to college any time soon, until I explained to him a couple of things:
First, a modern college education is nothing more than a crash-course in legitimizing homosexual lifestyles. I don’t need any pipe-smoking sophisticate with leather patches on his elbow telling MY son that it’s gay to be merry. I don’t need MY flesh and blood sitting through a lecture on radical Godkilling feminist horsehockey. I don’t intend to let Tim, my very pride and joy, be corrupted by these ivory tower intellectuals who think they can counter The Word with their fancy Chinaman math.
Second, I asked Tim this simple question: which is better, a college education, or ten thousand non-negotiable shares in an ex-brothel? The pride alone made him run away from home to go live with his whore of a mother and collect his thoughts. He’ll be back.
Your partner in God,
James Wheeler from Cornhod, Iowa
To anyone thinking of sending money to the Dave Thorpe Ministry: Do it! Absolutely love my prayer rug. Was surprised to learn that it’s just a sheet of white A4 paper, but the Lord works in ways that we don’t always initially not feel ripped off by. All’s well, though: printed my résumé on the prayer rug and got an immediate bite from a catapult company in Tucson. Forty five million catapults built so far, and I’ve never been happier. Bombs away! Even without the tenuous connection to Jesus, this would have been a bargain and a half.
Julius Donhodder from Lamphear, Wisconson
Sent in my inheritance and already I can feel my luck changing. First, a rich uncle that I didn’t even know I had died and left me half a million dollars- wow! And that was even before I sent it all to Jesus via the Dave Thorpe Ministry of Light. Things are sure to get even better from here on out. Rock and roll!
Praise Him for me,
Oh, how it fills my already bursting heart with glee to read such testimony from the best people in America! Even as our land descends into the hell of unfair taxation and marriage among the basest beasts of Sodom, some gracious folk, who I am honored to call my brothers and sisters, still hold the grace of God in their hearts to such a degree that they’re willing to give me everything me and God ask for. Surely a great spot shall be reserved for them in heaven, close to the escalators and within driving distance from a nice little market. Please, my partners in God, show your generosity now!
Oh, you idiot. Don't do this. It's the worst idea anyone has ever had. Have you forgotten what an ordeal it was the last time you moved?
This is Sid Meier's world, I’m just building wonders in it.
Nightmares Fear Factory is BACK, baby!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.