My client, Mr. Ogslough, has been compared to the most heinous villains society has produced. We have heard supposed experts testify to the damage he has inflicted with a crumb of noncery: lost wages, nightmares, and a whole sobber about intimacy issues.
It is hard to accept these claims. I speak from personal experience. Not a day went by that one of my masters at Salisbury didn't have a hand on my bollocks and I turned out well enough. I am extremely rational.
I implore the court to examine objective reality. What are bollocks but a pair of meat plums dangling under a willy? Nothing special about that. We all have them. A little feel-up caper, some light grabbing, a bit of mild squeezing? Perhaps it was wrong, but there was no physical harm done. That is all my client has been accused of, ladies and gentlemen of the court, and I would suggest that far greater crimes were occurring in the chapel next to the schoolhouse.
While my client might have felt up some eleven boys of various juvenile ages, the vicar was "feeling up" their minds with his sordid tales of fantasy. A fleeting pinch on the eggs is over in a second. The lie of religion can last a lifetime.
The supposed "attacks" by my client took place in a completely different time with different sensibilities. to what we have today. In 2009 men were expected to make their feelings known and act on them as part of the casual social dynamic. It was acceptable for a man to crowd a woman into an elevator and make a suggestion about going up to his room and having a shag. It's not like it went any further than that. The victim claimed she "felt pressured" but I suggest to the court that she, being an atheist, should have a better understanding of pressure than she apparently does.
The real problem is "In God We Trust" on the USA's currency. If the court will indulge me for a moment...despite a strict separation of church and state, the great lie of religion all too often insinuates itself into the workings of the American government. It is a case of pressure, both social and political, being brought to bear on institutions that have stood as secular since the founding of the United States. This corrosive force is true pressure. What my client did was make a polite suggestion. I suggest the lady get over it, grow up, and not dress so provocatively when attending predominately male conferences.
There are two possibilities in this case. One, everything I know to be true about religion is incorrect, there is a god, Allah, and Muhammad is his prophet. If this is true then my client's bombing of the mosque sent the nine people killed to an eternal paradise. He was, essentially, doing them a favor according to their own ridiculous beliefs.
Or, two, you accept rational reality in which all religion is false and only empirical science can describe our world, in which case my client was doing them an even greater favor by freeing the victims and their families of the delusion of religion. He has lifted the veil of ignorance from their world. What my client has been accused of was not an attack, it was an education, with the added advantage of setting a palace of lies on fire. That he sprayed "DIE PAKI SCUM" on a wall is not germane to this point.
Special thanks to Shmorky for his Phoenix Dawkins artwork. You can follow him on Twitter.
You can find out more about future cases for Phoenix Dawkins by following Zack on Facebook.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.