Before I kickstart this mule of an update into eighth gear, I'd like to get something off my chest and admit to you, the readers, a shameful secret I've been hiding for weeks now. On July 7th I was arrested for trying to artificially inseminate a parking meter. I had the option of either serving a jail sentence, paying a lofty fine (which I could not afford), or promising to write a series of public service announcements on Something Awful. I naturally selected the jail sentence option, as the idea of free forced homosexual sex was enticing enough, but the judge saw through my plan and instead forced me to write state-sponsored public service announcements on Something Awful, as the viewership of over twelve readers was clearly enough to win him over. Now I'll be the first to admit that I have no idea who the "public" is or what it likes; every time I look around for this "public," all I find are strip malls and Starbucks. Since I'm not really sure what to write about, I'll write a public service announcement about something that I'm familiar with and can write more than seven words concerning without reverting to referencing gay sex. Oh wait, I already did that in the fourth sentence of this update. Well at least I have that quota filled for the hour. With this out of the way, let me proceed to begin my state-appointed service and provide you with a very informative and scientific article which just might inform you about science.
SOMETHING AWFUL PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
HOW TO AVOID ZOMBIE ATTACKS
As you can see from this chart, I didn't have very much time to make a chart.Anybody who has watched the news lately or can even spell the word "news" without the help of a third party is well aware that the number of zombie attacks has been steadily rising since 1943. The proof of this lies in the fact that pop culture, which leading television psychologists claim is either a reflection of society of not a reflection of society (whichever sells more of their books), has produced an increasingly increasing amount of zombie-related movies since 1943, which I believe marked the middle of the Civil War. According to such films as "Night of the Living Dead," "Morning With the Living Dead," "Panty Time of the Living Dead," "Zombie Hut," "Zombie Hut 2: Citizens on Patrol," and the award-losing "Oh Gosh Are There Zombies Behind This Door?," the undead menace is alive and well, banging on society's front door like a zombie banging on a front door, possibly to get in.
Even though this widespread zombie phenomenon has reached into every gaping pink orifice of the world, there are still many people who do not know "the straight up facts" about protecting themselves from the undead. Many parents, too embarrassed to explain the ABC's of flesh eating to their children, hope they'll learn of it on "the streets," a place where misinformation and half-truths spread like oil. You know, they spread like oil because I mentioned "the streets" and I'm kind of running with that analogy. Some of these myths are outright untrue while others are simply not full of truth, but all of them share the common bond of spreading ignorance like gasoline (on the streets). Today's public service announcement, "How to Avoid Zombie Attacks," will clear up the most popular misconceptions regarding the plague of undead while completely ignoring the least popular misconceptions. After all, this site is named "Something Awful" and not "Something We Don't Make Up Shit and Call Them Facts," mainly because that URL was too long.
CHAPTER 1: ZOMBIE MISCONCEPTIONS:
This section will help you, the reader, be able to distinguish fact from fiction and clear up any rumors you may have heard about zombies from your druggie pothead friends who will graduate high school and then work in hardware stores for the remainder of their lives. We took a poll of over 100 schoolchildren and tapped their knowledge of undead information. Although their number one response was "please let me out of this room," we did gain much research regarding popular zombie myths. We will now dispel the most popular rumors so you may become less stupid and look better when you're on the gameshow "Jeopardy!" and one of the categories is "Facts About Zombies."If you’re a very feminine man, don’t worry: Zombies want to party with YOU!
1) Zombies are the living dead, a mental and physical state that is the direct result of contracting Zombitis-B through the bloodstream. Zombitis-B cannot be passed through air, water, casual contact, or semen. This means that you can have sex with a hooker zombie, but you have to make sure she's not into the rough stuff.
2) You cannot become a zombie by sitting on a toilet seat that a zombie sat on unless you both have open sores on your ass. And if you have open sores on your ass, you probably have a lot more to worry about than becoming a zombie.
3) Zombies can only be killed by having their brains damaged beyond conventional repair. This means that you can shoot a zombie 20 times in the chest and he still won't die unless he's got his brain stapled to his chest or he just ate his own brain.
4) Dead people who were not infected with Zombitis-B may still become the walking undead if a comet passes by the earth, the government disposes creepy toxic waste near them, or an evil chemical is released by an evil company that exists for no reason but to create useless evil things such as raincoats that bite you when you try to put them on.
5) Cremated relatives run a very low risk of becoming a zombie due to the fact that most of their brain powder has a good chance of being inhaled by a passing bird or dolphin.
6) Becoming a zombie is neither "cool" nor "hip." It is a dangerous process which has irreparable damage and it will prevent you from ever becoming an astronaut, the President, or a dinosaur.
7) Zombies, as well as all other members of the undead family, are not interested in material goods such as trendy clothing or exotic automobiles. They consider "what's inside" to be more important than a flashy exterior, the "what's inside" part naturally being the consumption of your brain.
8) The Undead are very concerned with eating brains because the human brain contains a chemical which keeps them from feeling hungry, a chemical named "Snickerosis." You can try to flush this chemical out of your brain and bloodstream by either drinking a lot of water or cutting the top of your head open and then scrubbing your brain with a Brillo pad, but neither of these will work.
9) If you find your family under the attack of zombies, it is not because you personally have done anything wrong. Zombie attacks are not your fault and even though your divorced mother and father may be two undead creatures chasing and attempting to murder you, it is not due to any of your various shortcomings or failed expectations, although if you would've got an A on that last spelling test they probably wouldn't be as mad as they currently are.
10) While all zombies are evil people, not all evil people are zombies. Except John Ashcroft.
CHAPTER 2: AVOIDING BEING MURDERED BY ZOMBIES
The initial human response to a zombie attack is "holy shit" followed by "what the fuck?" To remain safe and alive during an undead invasion, one must learn to change their behavior so instead of thinking "what the fuck?", they are thinking "how the fuck do I get away from this undead invasion?" Scientific and governmental studies have repeatedly shown that to stay alive, you must prevent getting murdered. A look into the common zombie mindset has revealed numerous insights into surviving the whole "getting killed" thing, which we will now share with you.
1) If you're at a cemetery and you realize the dead are coming to life and crawling out of their graves, you should probably run or walk at a brisk pace in the opposite direction unless there's another cemetery in that direction. If that's the case, then you're screwed.
2) Zombies, in addition to being slow and stupid, are also very stupid and very slow. You can use these two shortcomings to your advantage by challenging a zombie in a chess competition. If they don't lose their turn by running out of time, they will undoubtedly forfeit by trying to eat the chess pieces or the judge. This is an easy way to move up the rankings in a chess tournament.
3) The Undead do not have the ability to operate machinery or anything except crude tools such as tree branches and rocks. Do not try to save money by having an undead-only construction firm build your dream house.
4) If you are driving down a deserted road and you see what you think is a zombie alongside the drainage ditch, do not mistake it for a friendly hitchhiker who will probably not stab you in the face. Zombies have no need to hitchhike because there's nowhere they really want to go, at least until a zombie is elected mayor and decides to erect a theme park called "Brain World".
5) Zombies cannot be negotiated with or influenced by anything other than the promise of more human brains. If you are a police hostage negotiator and are trying to arrange the release of hostages from a renegade zombie political action troop, consider quitting your job and becoming a Cyborg Flamethrower Cop because they are much more prepared to deal with the undead in terms they understand (death).
6) If you find yourself under attack by the undead, play any song by KRS-1 as loud as possible. Nobody, either living or dead, likes that crap.
7) Zombies are very social creatures and always find themselves congregating near the closest group of living human beings. To avoid attracting zombies, cancel all plans to meet your VWF buddies at the cemetery near "Government Toxic Waste Disposal Plant #94."
8) As previously mentioned, zombies can only be killed by destroying their brain. If you are stupid or have lousy aim, you can choose to shoot them repeatedly in the chest and then scream "these bastards won't die!" to your clueless redneck friends, but it won't do much good. If you do not have bullets or access to bullet-shooting weapons, attempt to throw a few tabs of ecstasy into the zombie's mouth. That will either destroy their brain or make them distracted by waving glowsticks.
CHAPTER 3: HOW TO KILL ZOMBIESUsing an airbrush to artificially inseminate a parking meter doesn’t work as well as one would think!
The following tools, items, and methods are governmentally approved to murder zombies. Keep in mind that either a direct headshot or complete immolation will kill these creatures, so if you're in an armory and you have to choose between a loaded machinegun or dry-erase marker, you should probably choose the machinegun. You may successfully kill a zombie in the following ways:
1) Shooting them in the head with a bullet that has enough power to enter their skull and turn their brains into "exploded brains."
2) Stabbing them in the head with a sharp knife or garden tool.
3) Shooting them in the head with a sharp knife or garden tool which has been modified to shoot bullets.
4) Tricking them into thinking they're on "Jeopardy!" and the subject is "Facts About Zombies" and then rigging the answer buzzer to blow up when they hit it.
5) Stapling one of those silly Jewish cup hats to their head and then forcing them to board a bus in Palestine.
CHAPTER 4: HOW NOT TO KILL ZOMBIES
While the previous chapter covered the extermination of zombies, this chapter will explain the many misconceptions and old wives' tales about killing zombies or old wives. Keep in mind that these are all ways to NOT kill a zombie and will result in failure unless you somehow actually succeed, but the chances of that are pretty low. You cannot kill a zombie by:
1) Repeatedly poking them with a straw (even those twisty-bendy straws that come in amusement park drinks called "Wacky Orangey" or "Sillyberry Blue").
2) Singing them love songs until they eventually fall madly in love and you try to "love them to death."
3) Giving them AIDS. They probably already have it, and if not, they have something worse.
4) Driving a stake through their heart. That only works on vampires or Frankensteins or werewolves or whatever.
5) Walking very slowly and repeatedly tripping over invisible objects in the woods at midnight.
CHAPTER 5: ZOMBIE PROFILE
Classification: "Undead" aka "Living Dead" AKA "Not Living Undead" AKA "Oh look Ted, a hitchhiker, let's stop and pick him up, what's the worst that could happen?"
Religious Affiliation: You dying / you dead
Skin Color: Gross
Eye Color: Slimy
Hair Color: Bathtub grout-brown
Turn ons: Eating brains, thinking about eating brains, James Dickey.
Turn offs: Having their heads blown up, humidity.
Interests: Eating brains, not making pottery, not jogging, not doing math, not listening to music, not dancing, not swimming.
Whew! I sure hope that helped clear up the facts and fictional facts about the zombie lifestyle, especially for you kids out there, oh you precious kids. I chose to write about this subject not only because it is near and dear to my heart, but because not paying the state government a huge fine is also near and dear to my heart (like my lungs). I hope that next time an asteroid passes near the Earth and you find yourself reacquainted with your dead loved ones (who aren't as dead or loved anymore), you will take this advice to your head as well as heart. Oh, and your lungs too. Also, don't ever trust meter maids, even the non-undead ones.
Zack "Giblet Essay" Parsons here. Continuing on Lowtax's spooky theme I bring you the latest Hentai Game Review, this week of "Fatal Relations". Believe me when I tell you the "Fatal" in the title is not where the spooky comes from, it's all about the "Relations".
All of the sister's are crazy in love with Ken and a heated battle develops among them to win his affections. This involves Youngy trying to injure Sporty and Smarty, lots of lesbian sex that has no weak-ass "adoption" excuse and Angryy giving an enema to Sicky. Distraught at your divided attention Sicky eventually attempts suicide, which to my disappointment she fails to complete. Then Ken turns into a nutty sex predator and walks around angrily demanding sex from various sisters like he's asking them to give back the CD he loaned them. As desperate to win him over as the developers were desperate to reuse that transparent penis bitmap, they of course indulge him.
Fatal Relations contains all of the creepy semi-incest you've always wanted and then like three truckloads more than you wanted that are being dumped all over your lawn! Then Fatal Relations sends about fifty hobos over to your house to picket it with signs that say "creepy semi-incest". It's a great game!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.