This article is part of the Dear Mr. Mayor series.
I don't know whose big idea it was to put that monolith in town, but please destroy it at once. It is constantly emitting an awful shrieking sound that's driving citizens mad. I saw Old Man Cornapple tear his eyeballs out, and he's probably the least dramatic man in town. Whatever it is, it's not of this world and certainly not meant for this world.
Why not put up that information kiosk in its place like I suggested? Would be more helpful if you ask me.
Mayor & Friends,
I don't know if it's the new monolith you had installed in the town square or something else, but I've recently felt a profound urge to commit murder. I'm not normally a violent man, and I'm trying my best to subdue these urges, but, well, they're mighty strong. Just giving y'all a heads up so that when I do start tearing people apart with my bare hands, you don't shoot me or nothing and recognize that I am fulfilling the Monolith's will, which cannot be questioned and is above all human law.
Another day, another mayoral scandal. So, question, Mr. Mayor: Who paid for the monolith? As a taxpayer I didn't give my consent to the construction of an elaborate monolith that pries into the inner thoughts and desires of everyday citizens. We get enough Big Brother from the federals. You want to make this right with the voters? Carve the Ten Commandments on that thing. Then it's tax payer money well spent.
Hey. Hey. Hey, Mayor. Hey. Hey.
The monolith, man. What gives? I don't know if you know this, but that thing is dangerous. Hey, hello? Dangerous. I saw it shoot out a bolt of lightning that vaporized an old man and three fat geese and one small one.
Has this always been there? Could have sworn I've never seen that monolith before. Went in to take another look, then found myself flying through the stars for what felt like thirty minutes. Then I was old all of a sudden, then I was a baby being born again 49 years ago. Been waiting since then to write this letter. You might want to put up a fence around that thing.
Professor Rory Satch
Dear Mr. Mayor,
I cannot help but wonder if the installation of this temperamental monolith in town square has anything to do with plans to protest your mismanagement of the city. Citizens were extremely unhappy with your misappropriation of the mummy exhibit at the museum, and rightly so. Erecting a monolith that fires bolts of lightning indiscriminately, shrieks at people endlessly, and absorbs others is a tyrannical action if I've ever seen one.
Mr. Mayor, tear down that monolith.
A concerned citizen
For heaven's sake, Mr. Mayor, the monolith is a public nuisance. Do you know that skateboarders are jumping off of it and grinding on it and doing their obscene skateboard tricks on it? If that thing is just going to attract hooligans then it needs to be torn down. And you need to round these skateboarders up and put them in prison where they belong. Skateboarding is a crime, Mr. Mayor. Read the damn constitution.
I have to question the sanity of adding a monolith to the center of town instead of wheelchair ramps. Many disabled residents can't get around town, let alone see this fancy new monolith. Here's a suggestion -- turn that monolith into some wheelchair ramps. Just cut it into two big wedges and problem solved.
I am a deeply spiritual person with a strong devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ. That monolith challenges what I know and believe in my heart, so I am asking your permission to shoot the monolith and shoot it dead. I have a gun, I have good aim, and I am a firm believer.
Just give the word. I've got the monolith glassed already.
Dear Mr. Mayor,
DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE MONOLITH! I don't know if you've seen it lately but somebody spray-painted the A-word on it in big red letters. I think you know which one. Why hasn't it been washed off?
Also can you please do something about the homeless people wandering town square. Many of them seem very violent and mentally ill. They just wander the streets beating their heads against glass and walls and it is very unsettling, but not nearly as unsettling as that dirty word on display for all to see.
Dear Concerned Resident,
Thank you very much for showing your civic pride in the form of a strongly worded letter. Many residents choose to demonstrate their pride in less productive and less legal ways, so we appreciate you choosing the pen over the sword. It is restrained citizens like you that make this town great.
Regarding the monolith that appeared in town: The Mayor professes no knowledge of its origins, and declares with absolute confidence that the Monolith's sudden appearance in our humble town has nothing to do with him activating a strange golden disc he discovered in his backyard, though the timing is clearly unfortunate.
To neutralize the Monolith and the danger it poses, The Mayor has pledged to bury the entirety of the town square under eight feet of concrete, then build a brand new town square on top of that. Unfortunately, due to budget problems we will be unable to provide wheelchair ramps to the newly elevated town square until such a time that the necessary funds can be allocated.
Before construction commences, the Mayor advises all residents to avoid town square and to especially avoid touching or communing with the Monolith, worshipping the Monolith, or disappearing into its dark form should it grant you passage.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
There's an easy solution to every problem: Complain to the town's mayor.