This article is part of the Dear Mr. Mayor series.
I take full responsibility for the recent troubles in town. I downloaded a Black Eyed Peas album illegally, and now they are here for revenge. I'm sorry for the harm I caused. I will turn myself in at once.
Please disregard my last letter and destroy it promptly. I mistook the garishly dressed and shimmering ghost pirates for the musical group the Black Eyed Peas. I see now I was wrong and I apologize for wasting your time.
Once again: I am not responsible for the pirates.
This whole situation with the ghost pirates showing up and terrorizing our citizens could have been prevented if you followed my advice and made sure they used the Bible as the official text book for every class in our school system. Those pirates would have no business in a Christian town, as the Holy Spirit would have sent them packing the minute they tried to drop anchor.
Dear Mr. Mayor,
I don't know where you get off holding a tall ships festival in a landlocked town, but you've gone too far this time. I am a taxpayer, which means I pay your salary and you have to do what I say no matter what. If I tell you to kiss a goat, Mr. Mayor, you are obliged to kiss that goat. I'm not telling you to kiss a goat, so don't go doing that on my account. I will not tolerate a government man having relations with animals. What I'm telling you is that WE don't spend a dime on any festivals ever. If people want to get festive, they can spend their own darn money and they can have their festivals quietly in their own houses during reasonable hours.
That's all it takes. Pick up the phone and dial the number for Seal Team Six. They capped Osama, they can cap these pirates. Those boys will be in and out in five minutes flat and our town will be riddled with dead pirate bodies. We won't be able to get our mail without stepping over some dead, dumb pirate. That's what I've always wanted for this town and now it can happen. PICK UP THE PHONE, YOU COWARD.
Dear Concerned Resident,
Thank you so much for your interest in local government. We here at the mayor's office are delighted to serve a city swelling with so much pride and believe your impassioned letters are the lifeblood of this government.
Contrary to the imaginative folks at the local paper, our Mayor has not stolen any pirate treasure, unless you count a few harmless souvenirs from his recent Caribbean vacation. You can discount those silly front-page articles just as much as you can discount the outlandish rumors that our humble mayor is keeping the stolen skull of the nefarious pirate Captain Bloodheart in his desk drawer. That's patently absurd, no matter how closely the ghostly ship attacking this town matches the one Captain Bloodheart is said to have captained.
Piracy is an unfortunate side effect of today's information age. The only way to truly stop it is with appropriate legislation, such as the recent Stop Online Piracy Act. We urge you to write congress and encourage them to expand SOPA to cover acts of offline piracy as well, enabling us to better fight the ghost pirates plaguing our town.
Is the world ready for Staind By Me, St@nd By e-Me, and Crank 3: Stand By Me?
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
There's an easy solution to every problem: Complain to the town's mayor.