This article is part of the Dear Mr. Mayor series.
What kind of town is this where you let a harlot practice her craft in the fountain in front of city hall? That waterlogged hussy is luring all our men to join her in the fountain, and the whole lot of them are just splashing around like g-d dang idiots. It's an embarrassment. I saw the police chief in there giggling like a school girl next to that awful singing prostitute.
The town square is becoming a real safety hazard as the number of drunken men parading around in the fountain is reaching dangerous numbers. That water can't be even remotely sanitary, not after three days of men frolicking in it nonstop. I realize those men are all under the influence of the siren and can't help themselves, but this is simply no good. Their behavior is very lewd and crude, and is not fit for public consumption.
More importantly, the siren is distracting from essential civic work and improvements. I strongly urge you have her arrested and shipped to an aquarium where she belongs. We have more pressing matters to attend to. You still haven't taken care of the sidewalk expansion on Water Tower Road, much to the ire of local businesses.
In summary, please
1) have the siren lady removed from the fountain;
2) have the fountain water drained and replaced;
3) expand the sidewalks on water tower road.
a concerned citizen
Dear Mr. Mayor,
I am a fan of the singing lady in the fountain. I like her tunes and I think she's got a gorgeous top half. I like her bottom half, too. Both good qualities in a lady.
What I'm trying to get at, Mr. Mayor, is that at my age I have a hard time keeping up. The crowds surrounding the young lady are very rough and tumble, and haven't paid this old man any respect. I can barely get a knuckle in there before the other men muscle me out. What's it take for an old veteran to get some one-on-one time with the lady? I don't see why we can't be civil about this and all take turns. I don't want all these burly men frightening her away.
Mr. Mayor & Associates,
Does the siren's song work on male dogs? I normally take my Bichon Frise past that fountain but if he's going to go hog wild like all those disgusting men, I'm not going that route. Please let me know ASAP. Also do you have an ETA on when the siren will be done with her work? Frankly, I don't see the point in what's she's doing.
Dear Mr. Mayor,
I don't care for this one stunt one bit. I've seen this before on TV and over the email. Taco Bell plans to open a franchise, and so they pull some kind of stunt. Well, this time they've gone too far. I want you to tell them we don't want their business, and we certainly don't want their singing mermaid creating a commotion.
This town has done fine without Mexican food. Mexican food isn't going to fix any of our problems. Why don't they try to fix their own problems back in Mexico first?
The men in this town have no decency. I used to think there were some upstanding gentlemen here, but now every man from here to Welpsburg is tearing his clothes off and acting mad as all get out in that fountain. I don't see what's so special about that young lady's singing. It makes my ears hurt. And why's she dressed so skimpy?
They're loud as all get out. The men are wailing and moaning at the top of their lungs, and that floozy isn't any better leading them on the way she does.
I hate to use the "U" word, but that fountain smells a lot like something that belongs in the toilet. I'm pretty sure the men are all doing their business in and drinking from that fountain.
I don't think that sort of thing belongs in the center of town, do you?
Clean it up!
Dear Mr. Mayor,
RE: SIREN IN FOUNTAIN
Love her to death, mayor. Best thing to happen to this town in ages. I have my wife tie me down to the bed of the truck, then have her drive real slow past the siren. That song makes me go mad with delight. I'm just running out of reasonable excuses why I need her to tie me up and drive past the siren. Any advice? I can't get enough of those alluring songs
Oh, and any chance you would give me a special dispensation to marry the siren in addition to my wife? If not then just go ahead and nullify my current marriage. I want to make an honest woman out of that fountain lady.
Eagerly awaiting the good news,
Can you get my husband to leave that fountain? I don't feel comfortable with what is going on there. Last I checked there were several hundred men, mostly nude, frolicking like drunkards in the fountain, fighting and clawing their eyes out while some sort of folk singer sang for them in the nude. I checked with all the appropriate offices, and found no record of such a festival or performance taking place. This is clearly an unauthorized activity, and that singing lady has no permits. Also, she (and most of the men) are in violation of public decency laws.
Tell her to close up shop. I want my husband back before this spectacle gets any worse.
Dear Concerned Resident,
Thank so much for your letter! We here at the Mayor's Office work tirelessly day and night to see that your needs are met and your concerns are heard. We assure you that we're working diligently to resolve this siren business as quickly as possible. We're confident that once the mayor returns from his fact finding mission in the fountain, he will take bold action.
We encourage you to be patient as this matter resolves itself. We also encourage you to disregard any of the blatant falsehoods published by a certain local tabloid. The insinuations that the siren is here to punish the mayor for lascivious deeds he committed in a Mediterranean brothel are patently absurd. The mayor's recent business trip afforded him no time for brothels.
The siren likely arrived in our fountain by way of sewers or made her way inland via river following the recent storms. Please do not acknowledge her and, if possible, plug the ears of your male friends and family with wax.
REFORMED HOG - Former member of the swine family, has now agreed to behave like a proper dog. Free to patient home willing to overlook physical defects. 555-2519
What do you do when The Dark Knight himself pulls a boner?
Available in Large, which is actually a Medium stretched out to appear bigger.
If you're in a tight spot, this is going to be really helpful (I'M JOKING. I'M KIDDING AROUND)
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
There's an easy solution to every problem: Complain to the town's mayor.