MR: (whispering) The filming has begun. The director just wants me to watch and learn how things work before joining in. There are six men surrounding her prodding her face with their penises.
(The lights are inches away from the actress and actors and sweat is dripping off the men onto her)
MR: This is pretty gross, but she seems to be enjoying it, I think. I really can't tell if there are any emotions at all.
MR: Whoa, everyone is changing positions at a fast pace. Our cameraman just got kicked in the stomach. Annie is on her back and simultaneously pleasuring five of the six men. Her body is spread like Jesus on the cross. We are seeing an actress at the top of her craf [cut out]
(Mike Rowe walks over and picks the microphone boom off the floor, and begins speaking into it)
The sound guy just passed out, we got to take him outside and revive him.
MR: Wow, welcome back. Everyone is taking a break in-between shots. I thought everyone would get water or a bite to eat, but everyone is just snorting coke.
MR: The director is asking me to take off my clothes and masturbate in the back with the other guy. I guess having a successful television show grants me such opportunities. This is an interracial movie, so I have to do this blackface, which seems inappropriate and racist, but apparently acceptable in the porn industry. I am personally objecting this, but I'm not boss around here.
MR: Annie, I just got to say, I've been in sewers, farms, and trash dumps, but this is by far one of the worst smells I've ever encountered. What is it?
AC: Well, that is how all porn sets smell, I kind of like it.
MR: It is a mixture of sweat, unwashed hair, and human innards. Those stenches along with lubrication fumes are overtaking my crew. And what's with those names they are calling you?
AC: Oh, that is just what porn stars do, it is arousing for the viewer when we call each other names.
MR: Well, what about the director calling you a slut?
AC: Haha, those guys, always joking around!
(Mike Rowe stares at camera)
MR: So this seems pretty humiliating, how many times a year do you do this?
AC: I do about sixteen scenes a year
MR: Wow, that isn't much, you must get paid enough to make a living
AC: Oh yea, way more than enough, about $1,000 a scene.
(Mike Rowe stares at camera again)
Director: Okay everyone back
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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