Step 1: Exits


You got to get out! How many doors are there? How many windows? Don't guess, go around and count them, then draw a map and decide which ones are best. Figure out how to get up on the roof and zip line over to a tree. Put ladders everywhere. Make a tunnel if need be.

Step 2: provisions


There are two types of provisions during GO TIME. There are food provisions and drink provisions. You can buy rations from the camping store. You can also order MRE (meal: ready eat) off the Internet. Try camping stores' webpages. If you don't want to mess around with MREs you can try Pop Tarts. These are individually wrapped just like MREs and if you eat a Pop Tart and three multivitamins this is just as good as an MRE and actually tastes way better. For drink I prefer pop for the energy boost and you can get 2 liters. Some people like juice or drink mixes but that shit is your discretion.

Step 3: Pack Your GO TIME bag


A lot of times when shit goes down you can't wait it out in your house. You got to be ready to go. That is why you got to pack a bag that you can just grab. I used a really big messenger bag. It's canvas so it should be pretty sturdy and it has an Invader Zim logo on the side. You can use a backpack or a duffle bag or whatever else.

A loose selection of some good things to pack are:

  • Knife: I pack a butterfly knife and a chromed Braveheart sword, but if you aren't expert in knives then just put an army knife in there or a kitchen knife.
  • Gun: I don't have a gun, but I do have one of those shock things you can use on a raper, not that a raper would come at me to begin with because I know three types of hand to hand (boxing, kicking, and bare knuckle boxing).
  • Ammo: for the gun, but if you don't have a gun just put extra food in here.
  • Food: You need some to take with you.
  • Drinks: A six-pack or a two liter is probably a good amount.
  • Laptop: Be sure to pack an extra battery because you don't know how long the power grid will survive after man has been brought low by the rising tide of chaos.
  • Books: I prefer manga for the detailed stories and emotional character arcs.
  • Flashlight: A must for reading at night.
  • Maps: Carrying maps is a good idea, or download them as PDFs for your laptop.
  • Girl locations: The prepared people like you will rule the post-shit-gone-down world and so you should have selected brides living within range of your form of transportation. I have a car so I put down Megan Fox who lives in Hollywood.
  • Movies: Speaking of Hollywood, bring lots of movies. You can take DVDs, but I prefer to rip them and put them on USB drives so I have more room for Pop Tarts and multivitamins.


If you still have room then you can take some keepsakes with you. I packed my Nintendo DS and economized space by bringing a cart with about 50 GBA games on it.

Look at that, you planned ahead. Now that it's GO TIME what do you do? Simple: grab your GO TIME bag, any other provisions you can carry, and execute your exit plan. From there you have two options: become a survivalist or become a warlord. It all depends on whether you've been waiting for this and it's an opportunity you are prepared to accept, or if you just want to get by.

Dan2000 will be following up with his survivalist guide, stay tuned for my warlord guide in the coming weeks.

– Jamie "Steam Bennett" Rutger (@sexyfacts4u)

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