Ringing faces jingle janglin'!The ritualistic modification of the human body has been popular among certain circles - usually the kind that live in thatched houses - for a very long time. From something as minor as ear piercing and arm tattoos, to something as major as a rail spike through the septum, body modification has been hip with the kids who want to be hip. It's about self-expression, because Baby Christ only knows that the way to tell people who you are is to implant ball bearings in your nipples. There is usually something of a sexual element to it, either in a general courtship sense (bigger clitoral hoops mean better husbands) or the actual sexualizing of the process and the modifications. There is no denying that today body modification has gradually grown into a full blown fetish, and body modification enthusiasts (from here on out "retards") are pushing every conceivable limit of self-mutilation.
Since I am a very respectful and tolerant person who is willing to accept people even if their ideas and fetishes are quite strange to me I have decided to devote an update to offering advice to the retards. I think that as a creative person and general free spirit I have a lot to offer the retard community in terms of new ideas and new boundaries to explore.
"Los Clucky" (AKA The Scrotal Chicken Incubator)
Description: Since at least the 1950s men have been the rod of life and women have been the vessel. This incredible retard procedure reverses that tradition and plays on every man and woman's love of the miracle of birth. Science has not yet devised a way to implant a human fetus into a man, but nature has provided every man with a happy home for incubating chicks. A little cutting, some excision, and the installation of a "birth aperture" in the scrotum and you can be the proud papa of your very own cheeping babies. Also works with a surprisingly large variety of incubating insects and some types of amphibians.
You Will Need: Marker, one surgical steel scalpel, alcohol, cotton swabs, vaginal or anal speculum, one surgical steel pipe join, two rolls sterile gauze, 2-4 fertilized chicken eggs, boiled cedar shavings, cosmetic mirror, suturing material.
Do It Yourself Procedure: Shave your scrotum carefully beforehand! Position all materials needed within easy reach and place the mirror just in front of your genitals so that you have a clear view of your scrotum. Grasp your penis between the thumb and forefinger of your off hand and lift it towards your stomach so that your scrotum is protruding. Use the marker to draw an incision guide four inches long. Start an inch or so past your taint and run the line up towards your penis. Apply alcohol (and iodine solution if you have it) thoroughly to the scrotum.
Begin the incision starting closest to your penis and cutting down and away from you. Make a single determined cut if at all possible. The incision does not have to be deep, but the cutting will be deliciously painful and you have to avoid ejaculating all over the sterile operating area. Once you have finished, use the speculum to open the incision. Don't worry if the spreader armatures catch on your testicles and tear them; you will be removing them shortly.
Using the mirror and your fingers as a guide, insert the scalpel into your scrotum and begin cutting out your testicles and any mesentery material. This portion of the procedure will be very painful and you may pass out, that's okay, if you feel faint just try to remove the scalpel from your scrotum first. When you are done clean the wound with boiled water or saline, then pat dry with cotton swabs and clean thoroughly with alcohol. Pack the wound with sterile gauze. Do not suture the wound!!
Allow your scrotum to heal, but keep the sac fully packed with gauze so that it does not wither. Change the bandages daily and do not allow the incision wound to close. After a week you should be ready to begin "overpacking". Over a two week period load increasingly larger quantities of gauze into your scrotum to stretch its dimensions. Continue this until it is roughly twice the original size (depending on original size) and then prepare for the second operation.
Clear out any gauze in your scrotum and begin by inserting a handful or so of the sterilized cedar chips as bedding for the chicks. Suture the surgical steel pipe join firmly into the wound opening by threading the stitches through the join itself and back through your scrotum. Roughly one hundred will be needed to keep the join in place. Be sure to keep each thread tight, otherwise the chicks may mistake them for food. Insert the fertilized eggs through the pipe join and into your scrotum. Nestle them carefully in the cedar bedding and then close off the pipe join with a wad of gauze. Your body is now incubating life!
Surgery best performed with a "buddy" present to apply smelling salts during operations. This is common sense.
Once the chicks hatch they may begin pecking at your scrotum's inner wall. This is normal and should be relatively painless thanks to reduced blood flow. If a chick manages to poke its beak through your scrotum it's probably time to let them out.
If the chicks do not seem willing to eat the remains of their eggs you may have to feed them.
When the hatched chicks are living within your scrotum they may attempt to burrow upwards into your abdominal cavity. While this may be survivable it is not recommended.
Be aware that guano may collect within your scrotum, so be sure to monitor the hygiene inside.
"The Shining Duchess" (AKA A Shovel Through the Chest)
Description: Torso piercing (excluding the nipples and bellybutton) is just starting to come into fashion. This revolutionary piercing allows you to strike while the shovel is hot and make a bold statement about your commitment to retardation. It was once just a result of bizarre grave digging accidents, but these days a shovel through the chest is primed to sweep the scene. The Shining Duchess can make you the talk of your insular and intentionally hobbled clique of retards.
You Will Need: Large quantity of cinderblocks, a stainless steel shovel, a marker.
Do It Yourself Procedure: Place the tip of the shovel against your bare chest and trace the outline where you would like for it to be. It doesn't really matter where you want it, there's nothing that major in your chest. Watch out for going too low, you might transfix your bellybutton which would ruin this site for future piercing.
Stack cinderblocks in a large open area to a height just below the line on your chest. Place the shovel onto the cinderblocks so that just the head of the shovel is protruding and then continue to stack an equal number on the handle of the shovel. It is very important that you have enough weight above the shovel to secure it in place during the operation. Pace out a distance exactly one hundred strides from the stack of cinderblocks. Turn and face the cinderblocks, push your chest forward, and run at the shovel as fast as you can. Try to keep the shovel as directly in front of you as possible, otherwise you may pierce your side!
You will probably lose consciousness at or near the moment of piercing. It's okay, you can either wait to regain consciousness or have your buddy wake you up. There shouldn't be much blood unless you mistakenly used a spade.
Be sure to avoid hitting the heart or lungs when you impale yourself on the shovel.
This piercing will paralyze you for life from the neck down.
Have plenty of shirts ready with shovel shaped holes in the chest. You won't be able to move your arms to cut holes in shirts after the piercing!
"Crodger" (AKA The Glass Penis Mace)
Description: Genital mutilation is en vogue right now. For some bisection and other forms of permanent modification is enough. Others think the ultimate in retard fashion and fetish is self-castration. Teach both groups a thing or two about the piercing edge of retardation by introducing them to your brand new Crodger. The constant and life-threatening agony you endure will be a breathtaking symbol for friends and family.
You Will Need: Unfrosted glass light bulb (100 watt GE Brightlight suggested), 24 glass pipettes, a funnel, a towel, non-spermicidal water based lubricant, antibiotic gel, a 60 pound sledge hammer or a friend with boots, smooth-surface dildo or vibrator, tweezers.
Do It Yourself Procedure: Very carefully unscrew the socket from the light bulb and remove the lighting element with a pair of tweezers. Place the glass pipettes on top of a towel and then fold them up tightly inside of it. Use the sledge hammer or your friend to completely break the pipettes into shards no larger than a pinkie fingernail. Using the funnel, pour the pipette fragments into the light bulb. You may have more than will fit, that's fine, save the excess for a friend.
Screw the socket back onto the light bulb and set aside. Stroke your penis until it is fully erect (you may want to a blood restrictor like a rubber band or cock ring to maintain your erection) and, carefully applying lubricant, insert the dildo into your urethra until you can get it four or more inches in. Remove the dildo. Place your penis on a flat surface like a table or countertop and slowly begin working the light bulb into your widened urethra, socket end first. If you have a buddy present, ask him or her to help you with this portion, as the pain may make you faint. If at all possible work the entire light bulb into your urethra. There will probably be blood and tearing of internal integuments, this is fine, just enjoy it.
Once the light bulb is as far in as it is going to go, center your penis carefully on the flat surface. Pick up the sledgehammer and take careful aim. A partial miss can be disastrous! Swing with all your strength and smash open the light bulb lodged in your urethra. If you did everything correctly the pipette fragments should bursts through your penis in all directions. Allow 4-6 months to heal carefully and the glass should become wedded to the skin of your penis forming a beautiful and erotic Crodger.
During sledge hammer application the socket may become lodged in your bladder. It must be removed as it can cause a urinary obstruction.
Shredded urethra and torn abdominal muscles may lead to incontinence.
Unless carefully maintained the Crodger will become infected and begin suppurating yellowish creamy discharge. This is not edible and should be treated with regular cleanings and antibiotic gel.
Next week I will be bringing folks the Do It Yourself Guide to the "Missy Eliot", the "Kissin' Kristy", and the "Lord Albrecht". If you were disgusted by this guide, then congratulations, you are a part of the 99.9% of the population that is disgusted and horrified by body modification. If you became turned on or excited by the prospect of these procedures, then congratulations, you are my target audience.
We clear up the BREXIT for confused Americans wondering why the global economy is collapsing this time.
BEEP! BOOP! ZAP! Video games aren't for my dad anymore! Because he's dead.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.