"I can do this. Just one more day."
"Please don't be tired of me. I'm still good. I'm still good!"
"Meat. All types of meat. Gravies, too. Every kind of gravy. Meats with gravies. Broth, pure unfiltered broth. Every meat in my mouth right now, gravy oozing out."
"Are you shittin' me?"
"The next kid to climb on my back is going through a window."
"If they put those tiny boots on me again, I'm going to gnaw my legs off."
"Why am I thinking? I'm just an ornament. I shouldn't think. I shouldn't feel. Is this hell?"
"Everyone looks excited. They love my yelling. I will yell forever and ever and ever and ever and they will never stop loving me."
- Walgreens the Dog
"Ugh, I feel sick. I shouldn't have eaten all those garbage bags."
"No, no, NO! More hair just came off. I'm going to be bald and ugly and then they'll kill me. Must pretend to be happy. Must smile. Must never stop SMILING. YES!"
"It's called net neutrality, idiot!"
Trying to change history is a terrible mistake. Tearing down all of America's Hitler statues has left us confused about our nation's proud past.
Ask any cowboy and they'll tell you: The deadliest snake in the wild west is Lava-Filled Hole Shaped Exactly Like A Cowboy Silhouette
Ben Garrison's Cartoons are finally explained!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.