The periodic loss of bladder control is something that happens to millions of aging Americans. When it happens, we lose more than just control over our bladders. We lose control of our schedule. Of our sex appeal. Of our identity.
But the Silhouette changes that. It's hardly any bulkier than a pair of underwear. We can be who we have always been. We can take back control over our destiny. We are free.
Open on a backstage dressing room. A beautiful celebrity is getting ready to do something amazing and physical. Not too physical, like gymnastics, but just physical enough. Something a Baby Boomer might do. Our celebrity is wearing a dress that shows off her curves. A boisterous reporter leads a camera into the dressing room. He dares her to try the Depend Silhouette. For charity. It doesn't matter what charity, we'll make something up.
The eyes of the whole world will be on her and her dancer's body. How can she wear a bladder control garment? She looks as amazing as ever. Not even the camera can see the difference. Prove it again with a split screen showing the sleek Silhouette versus a competitor with a dumpy baby butt. Reactions of disbelief on screen. No tag line. End with a straight-to-camera pitch for a free sample. Go to the website.
We're so confident we're giving it away free.
Depend Exec: I don't know about this. This seems all about celebrities. We are selling adult diapers.
Don: No. You're not. Anyone can sell diapers. Go talk to JWT if you want to do that. You're selling freedom from fear. Do you know what America loves? It's not diapers.
Pete Campbell: I think what Don means to say--
|Zack is the author of the new short story collection Wages: Future Tales of a Hired Gun, a blood-soaked satire of private military contracting. He is also the author of the genre-hopping novel Liminal States, soon to be available as an audiobook. You can find out more about Zack's latest projects and special offers on his Facebook page.|
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.