Greetings, new member of the Sterling team! If you're reading this, it means you've been selected as the current companion of famous gentleman and billionaire, Mr. Donald Sterling. And, like any long-lasting friendship, this one will be founded on honesty, empathy, and a strict non-disclosure agreement engineered to ensure Mr. Sterling can continuously cycle through special companions in his remaining years. You see, while some men age gracefully -- like your Sean Connery-types -- others are so committed to business achievements that their bodies unfortunately shift to that of a bipedal toad monster. Because of this, Mr. Sterling offers certain financial incentives to women who can remain seated next to him during all four periods of a basketball game -- though we ask you read over the following new regulations due to an event we will only refer to as "recent troubles."

  • No phones, reel-to-reel recording devices, intelligent parrots, or stenographers are allowed within 50 feet of the Sterling compound. If you must communicate to the outside world in some way, simply log onto the SterlingNet located in the bedroom of your gift mansion(s) and our PR team will look your message over before deciding the best way it can be edited to improve Mr. Sterling's brand.
  • While you are not expressly being paid to enjoy sexual intercourse with Mr. Sterling, this act is definitely encouraged. Please note that since Mr. Sterling is an 80-year-old man, he'll need at least three to four hours to, in his words, "get the pipes knocking again." Again, no money will be exchanged for sexual services, but many lucky women have woken up the next day as the owners of several famous diamonds.
  • As reflected in recent troubles, Mr. Sterling does not like his special friends taking pictures with men who are much darker of skin. While the media chalked this up to explicit racism, Mr. Sterling received a note from Michael Jackson's former doctor himself stating his color-symmetry-specific Asperger's Syndrome as the true cause. Please use the provided color swatches to ensure your photo partner is "Sterling-safe."
  • At times, Mrs. Sterling may come by to investigate the many gifts that come naturally to any special friend. If this should happen, please tell her these items were obtained at a church raffle. If she continues to question their worth of millions upon millions of dollars, wink and say "I really pulled a fast one on those churchies."

  • All applicants to the Donald Sterling friendship program must be able to lift 50 pounds or greater in order to assist him with the convoluted system of girdles that keep his body svelte and marketable to the general public.
  • During the viewing of professional basketball games, you could be caught on camera at any time. In order to communicate the normalcy of your special friendship to the world at large, it's important to look calm and confident with a man who probably qualified for several heart surgeries before your conception. While there may be difficulty in finding common ground, Mr. Sterling always enjoys discussing how much the NBA players in front of him could be sold for as human chattel, especially during draft season.
  • We don't know what's going on with the skin around his eyes. Mr. Sterling doesn't, either. What we do know is that these petrified folds produce what's known as "skinlagtites," which Mr. Sterling has removed and biopsied weekly by a licensed dermatologist. If you should find any of these on your pillow, please, leave them be until we can determine if they're admissible evidence in a court of law.
  • Should Mr. Sterling pass away during your contract-mandated friendship period, you will be obligated to attend his funeral and sit in the "weeping mistresses" section, where you will be required by law to weep. If at any point Mr. Sterling amends his will to include the term "funeral pyre," you must throw yourself onto this burning mass or face the risk of severe punitive damages.
  • Mr. Sterling may, at times, ask you to participate in a harmless bit of role-playing called "The '60s," in which he can do or say whatever he wants without repercussion. Since this game can often stretch on for weeks or months, we encourage you to request Mr. Sterling take occasional "time-outs," especially during sensitive interviews with popular media figures.

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.