Because of strong crowd funding incentives, Dota2's upcoming tournament is raking it in. For every $10 dollars spent by users, $2.50 goes towards the prize pool. And while that might seem like the same percentages used by dubious charities, it has already managed to raise nearly $3.5 million in five days. With the original stretch goals already within reach, it's time to see what Valve plans next.
Valve Studio Livecam
Gabe sets up a webcam to film himself jumping Scrooge McDuck style into his giant pit of gold coins/pocket knives.
Server Queue Xenophobia
Dota players desperate to blame their terrible skill on anything other than themselves have a long tradition of blaming foreign players. Plagued by complaints about language barriers and ping issues in matchmaking, Valve finally bows to the pressure and declares war on Peru.
The Death of Immortality
Complete and total redistribution of virtual item wealth, bringing an end to the Hat Barren stranglehold. All heroes issued one cosmetic item: a grey pair of overalls.
Personalized Rage Vacation
Every compendium owner receives one domestic plane ticket eligible for an extended, one-on-one, face-to-face rage out. For the first time in online gaming, you can freely go agro on a noob in person. No longer must you unleash your boiling anger on pixels. If someone kill steals, feel free to take a break from your keyboard and spend a few hours stewing in coach before you let them know physically.
New Hero: Waluigi
What Smash Brothers don't, Valve will.
Through the use of an optional breathalyzer plugin, you have the ability to join the special queue for drunk DOTA. Only available to players blowing twice the legal limit, Chill Queue new features include:
New Movie: Free to Play with my Heart
Arteezy and Dendi star in Valve's first major motion picture, a rom-com about finding love or parental hardships or whatever. It's mostly an opportunity for people on the internet to mindlessly copy/paste S A D B O Y S and the kappa face
Actual Real World Legitimacy
All of a sudden, your parents or someone at work will ask if the ten crazy BuzzFeed lists they just saw on Facebook are the same game you play. Regardless of how you answer, they will tell you (at great lengths) about how things were different when they were young and how this country has really gone downhill in general.
Legal Team Upgrade
Blizzard officially files their #2,000 lawsuit/passive aggressive complaint against DOTA2. In a fifteen page document, Blizzard states that they have trademarked powerful women characters, the struggle between good and evil, humanoids wearing capes, magic (both light AND dark), virtual trees, playable animals, any and all 5v5 games excluding hockey but including indoor field hockey, and skeletons.
The True Enemy Identified
President Obama issues an amber alert, warning every American about playing with tcjimbo.
With college finals approaching, it's time once again for Microsoft Word autosummaries of all the old, boring books you were supposed to read.
"Don't you get it? What we have to understand is it's them or us. It can't be all of us, or one. It's got to be us, or they become it. Then we lose what makes us we."
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.