I have weathered what seems like a thousand seasons of mediocre TV and I will weather a thousand more. In all those toilsome years I have glimpsed true art but once. That you should forsake "Two and a Half Men" and leave its cast bereft of award statuette sickens me to my blackened core. Who else but the unassailable Charlie Sheen could portray such a nuanced and whimsical character? And yet he receives no nomination? This betrayal is most egregious, and I shall not hesitate to subject any and all of you to my unnatural thirst. Your children, too, shall come to know my taste for blood.
I have started a Facebook fan page in protest. Already my friend and associate, the Mummy, has "liked" it. That is two powerful enemies you have made in record time.
P.S. What do you think of my stationery letterhead? After what seems like centuries, I am finally embracing the dark and wondrous frontiers of desktop publishing.
Dearest Jefferson Elementary School Board,
I recently had the displeasure of reading a news article on the Internet concerning your vile plans to drain all funding from your school's athletic program. "Bluh" I say to you once more!
Do you not see what that will do? Do your fleshy little orbs fail to see the writing on the wall? Already the schoolyards resemble cattle fields overflowing with weak, corpulent mounds of thick, oily lard. These meaty little cows are so grotesquely obese and slovenly they can scarcely move about without stopping to rest and wheeze and clutch their bulbous bellies.
I write this not as a vampire, but as a concerned advocate for health. You should be raising strong, fit children. Do you have any idea what fat does to the taste of blood? I may as well be drinking sap from a log. And where is the thrill of the hunt when the prey topples over so readily?
Should you cut athletic funding, I promise you this: A DARK AGE SHALL COME TO YOUR RURAL FARMING COMMUNITY. I am prepared to summon my agents so that they might transport casks of Transylvanian earth to your fair city. There upon that vital soil I will erect a towering edifice, a completely green and sustainable castle. Do you hear that? I spit in the face of your conservative country bumpkin lifestyles with my progressive building practices!
From there within my castle I shall command my feral wolves upon your fat children, saving the most fit and agile for my own drinking.
Do not incite my wrath, SCHOOL BOARD OF JEFFERSON ELEMENTARY!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.