7:00 AM: Tantegel, shit, I'm still only in Tantegel. Every time I think I'm gonna wake up back in the swamp. Been here a week now, waiting for a mission, getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute the slimes squat in the marsh they get stronger. King Lorik calls for me and offers a quest to save his daughter and then defeat the evil Dragonlord. I took the mission. What the hell else was I gonna do?
7:30 AM: So what the fuck? Do they really expect me to go out there and battle creatures with my bare hands and wearing nothing but a pair of overalls? Is Alefgard in a recession or something? What they hell do they expect me to do, give them a spanking? Why can't I have that one guard's equipment who is just walking back and forth in the yard repeating the same words over and over again? He's not even guarding anything! This sucks.
8:00 AM: I'm setting off for King Lorik's stupid mission to save his daughter now. I hope she's hot, because there is no way I'm crawling through a smelly cave with no weapons to save an ugly skank. I left the city walls to head out for adventure. And by "adventure" I mean slaughtering random creatures of the countryside to harvest their gold and spend it in the shops on better equipment, thus contributing to the Japo-Jewish economic stranglehold that controls the entire kingdom. I read about it in a pamphlet.
9:00 AM: I killed a slime. As I was walking around the forest about five feet north of the castle, a slime drew near. It looked so friendly that at first I tried feeding it some Reese’s Pieces but then the little fucker bit my finger so I pounded its head in with my ham fist. At first I was exhilarated that I defeated a dangerous foe, but then as I looked down at the dead slime, a smile still on its face, I had an epiphany. This slime was just doing what was natural to it, trying to survive in the harsh wilderness and abiding by its instincts. I felt like I had killed one of God's little creatures, and my image of being a great white hunter in my mind was forever shattered.
If I only knew how to swim I could get to the evil castle and be home in time for Regis.
9:05 AM: I killed a few more slimes by kicking them in the face, and headed back into the city to buy a bamboo pole. Why do I need to buy a pole from the store, and not just make my own from the bamboo trees over there in the swamp? When I asked the King, he said that I would need a permit to craft weapons (50 gold), and then register it with the Kingdom (25 gold), and then there is a 30-day waiting period with an addition-processing fee of 10 gold. It's much easier to give in to the system of corrupt merchants and avoid the smothering bureaucracy. Next I need to buy a club, leather armor, and a small shield. That works out to 110 more slimes I need to kill. This isn't a quest; it's systematic murder to line the pockets of war profiteers. I am just a pawn in this mad game, but I have no other choice but to play along….for now.
10:00 AM: I killed every slime in the area by poking them with a stick, and then stole their life savings. I even managed to bat down a Drakee and then stomped on its wings. Then I walked over to Brecconary to buy some more stuff so I can kill something tougher than these slimes. When I get to the Ye Old Shop, there is some dipshit blocking the doorway. He just walks back and forth, his large ass totally in my way. I try telling him to move, but he just keeps saying, "A great evil has befallen this land". I told him that if he doesn't move it, I'll show him great evil in the form of a bamboo shaft in his rectum. Finally he gets out of my way and I'm able to buy my gear, only to have him block me inside the shop! I'm about to break!
11:00 AM: I've been wandering farther and farther now that I have a big club that I bully the creatures around with. I found a cave due north of the castle, and started dicking around looking for some mad loot, but only found an old tablet. Written on it was a message from my great, great, great, great, grandfather Erdrick that rambles on about an orb of light and something about how to defeat the Dragonlord. I didn't read the whole thing because it was really long and boring. Then I went around the swamp and hit a wolf on the head until it died and spat gold out of its bloated corpse. I'll have that new copper sword in no time!
THIS IS THE FACE OF THE ENEMY
11:20 AM: Does the King have a worker's comp program? My knees are killing me from walking through this smelly swamp, and I think I twisted my ankle running from a big ass scorpion when I accidentally stepped into the desert. It's almost like if I wander too far in one direction I get my ass kicked by a variety of really tough beasts. I ran into a magician while headed towards the town of Garinham, and I offered him a gold piece to make me a balloon animal, but he just goes nutty and shoots me with a fireball! I then offered 2 gold for maybe a card trick, and then he put me to sleep, When I woke up, my pants were unbuttoned and I felt violated. The next time I see one of those guys I'm going to attack first and ask for party tricks later.
NOON: I had lunch at this simply charming little café in Kol. I ordered the mustard seed crusted lamb with Provencal vegetables, Yukon Gold potatoes, and cabernet sauce, with a glass of white wine. I had some issues with the staff after I took off my boots and soaked my aching feet in the wine bucket, so I clubbed the snooty waiter and skipped out on the bill.
12:30 PM: I totally upgraded my shit, and now I'm busting heads like a pro. This skeleton jumped out of the bushes at me like a stupid fag and I did a critical attack and stole his money purse. I've also been encountering different variations of the same monsters; for example, I was walking in these hills and was attacked by a slime with Ray Bans and a fedora. Another time it was a slime with a fake beard and glasses. I think whoever is producing these things, either the Dragonlord or some bored wizard, just ran out of ideas and are dressing them up to fool adventurers such as myself. I'm harder to trick than that, you sly devils.
1:00 PM: I made it to this place called Garinham and found an old Jewish shopkeeper who is selling marked up magic keys. Now I can go back to Tantegel and open some doors for some random magic stuff. What the hell is the point in locking a door in a castle that the guards or the King can't even open? The longer I'm on this quest, the more I realize that this king is a real fuckup. I just hope he gives me props or at least a toss about with his daughter once this is all over.
2:00 PM: I lost my keys! Not the magic ones I just bought, but my apartment keys. If my landlord has to let me in again she's going to charge me, that bitch. Oh man this sucks.
2:05 PM: Never mind, they were in my pocket the whole time! I'm such a retard sometimes.
It seems like I'm always at the mall.
3:00 PM: I did a little grave robbing on the side and found this silver harp. It was pretty badass so I did a harp solo and was kicking it hardcore, but then all these monsters started attacking me. Talk about your music critics! It's sort of a gay instrument anyway, so I traded it with an old dude for the staff of rain. I'm not sure what it does yet, but if it turns out to be a fake, I'm going to come back and break his goddamn legs.
3:30 PM: My knees are really killing me. I'm going to rub some Ben Gay on them before I set out and hope I don't reek like a medicine cabinet.. It's time for me to go into Swamp Cave and rescue the princess from the green dragon. The King showed me a painting of her and my heart is aflutter with rainbows and festive slimes. I'm so confused, and don't know what to say to her after I slay the dragon. It will probably be something dumb like, "What's up?" I'm so nervous!
Song: "Butterfly" by Crazy Town
3:45: On the way I killed a dapper slime with a top hat and monocle. They are really getting desperate with the slime variations. Oh well, onward to adventure and almost certain doom!
(Dragon Warrior Journals will be continued next weekend! Or will they…? Yes they will.)
Untitled Warrior Journals
Zack "Robotinator" Parsons here with the latest chapter of "Untitled Document", straight from my heart to you gentle reader. Oh my gosh what could be happening this time?!?
"Sieben acht acht neun vier neun vier drei null null null null sieben acht acht neun vier neun vier drei null null null kennzeichnung Reiher."
A bolt of terror raced down Dale's spine and he felt suddenly sick with recognition.
"Spy numbers! The fucking spy numbers!" He gasped.
You had better check this one out for yourself! Don't look like a fool tomorrow at the water cooler when all of your coworkers are talking about Chapter Eleven!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.