She's into you, like, really, really into you, and once she wipes the vomit off her face, she isn't that bad. The girl makes a lot of moves on you, and you immediately forget about the paper.
You stumble back to your dorm, passing the still wrecked car. The police don't notice you though, they seem busy watching the body bag getting lifted into the ambulance. Idiots.
Once you get to the room, you realize the girl is actually a transgendered guy. Oh well. By this time next month, you'll have failed out of school, but tonight it's time for unprotected sex
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.