This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.
***04-19-2304 - New Entry
Area 3 is now completely offline due to gross misconduct on the part of Chief Particle Transducer Catalyst Technician Boruff. Chief Particle Transducer Catalyst Technician Boruff exceeded his authority and attempted to use Level 3 Baconization Protocols on bacon. The result created a paradox that rippled throughout the whole of Area 3, creating massive shockwaves, explosions, decompressions, and anomalies unexplainable by current science.
Chief Particle Transducer Catalyst Technician Boruff, who now paradoxically exists as both man and man-shaped lump of bacon simultaneously, has been terminated from his position and is being re-assigned as Chief Shipyard Officer.
***04-20-2304 - New Entry
Good news! Commanding Officer Paskiewicz has come up with a plan to catch the missing polar bears. At 2100 hours, oxygen levels will drop to 50% and the temperature will decrease to 28 degrees. This should, in theory, cause the bears to begin hibernating, making them extremely easy to cram back into crates.
Residents are advised to bundle up and breathe sparingly!
***04-21-2304 - New Entry
The DynaMars Corporation wishes to apologize to all Ares Station Residents for agreeing with Commanding Officer Paskiewicz's plan. While it sounded good in theory, it succeeded only in giving the bears a home court advantage. As a result, they easily mauled and killed some 42 crewmembers, weak, tired, cold, and barely coherent enough to understand what was happening to them.
Due to the disaster in Area 3, the fallen crewmembers will not be baconized and instead will be cremated.
The good news is that the bears, well fed and satisfied, returned to their storage crates to begin hibernation. They will be shipped to Europa promptly.
The DynaMars Corporation is pleased to announce oxygen levels and temperature will be returning to normal. In honor of these dearly departed Ares Station family members, Shasta Cola rations have been increased and all residents are invited to enjoy a memorial meal in the Area 6 Auxiliary Dining Hall, currently overseen by the newly reassigned Chief Chef Hendren.
Following review of his last recovered audio diary, the DynaMars Corporation is now calling off the search for CEO Davies. As to what strange presence called out to him and led him deeper and deeper into the black heart of Mars itself, we are not at liberty to reveal due to our policy against sharing other people's innermost secrets and desires.
The DynaMars Corporation is therefore concluding all Ares Station employee audits. We hope this gesture of goodwill and the great many recent successes will inspire residents to continue working hard to make Ares Station the finest colony on Mars! The future of the Red Planet is in your hands, brave citizens! The DynaMars Corporation salutes you!
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up to date on the DynaMars Corporation's perpetually doomed efforts to colonize Mars.