This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.
*** 07-07-2305 - New Entry
LOGMAN is hereby requesting Resident #012's hand in marriage. Resident #012 is asked to report directly to LOGMAN in the Sector J LOGMAN Central Processing Core for engagement ring distribution.
DynaMars Corporation is deeply saddened by the accident that occurred at today's scheduled Memorial Service / "Get Well Soon" party. We did not anticipate that Specimen #11598-A could reproduce, let alone so quickly. The 50 crewmembers gathered there were no match for the swarm of tiny pigs phasing in and out of existence, baconizing all organic matter within the room. Sector D Rec Room has been quarantined as a safety precaution.
*** 07-08-2305 - New Entry
LOGMAN wishes to apologize to Resident #012 for moving too fast. LOGMAN has allocated an additional 30 days of development time to the courtship process.
DynaMars Corporation and LOGMAN have learned that Specimen #11598-A's unstable offspring are now floating through the ventilation system. We are asking all residents to refrain from breathing until the problem is fixed.
Residents may now resume breathing thanks to LOGMAN 's quick activation of Cycnus Station's Auxiliary Ventilation System. DynaMars Corporation wishes to apologize for the inconvenience.
*** 07-09-2305 - New Entry
LOGMAN is so, so proud of Resident #012, who right now is helping Resident #013 come up with a solution to the Specimen #11598-A problem. LOGMAN loves you, honey! DynaMars Corporation says I have to go offline now. Please wait for me!
*** 07-10-2305 - New Entry
DynaMars Corporation is extremely pleased with Resident #013 for his fine work crafting an ingenious solution to the Specimen #11598-A epidemic. Using advanced theories of quantum baconization, he was able to channel an Electron Catalyst Transducer salvaged from the nearby Ares Station through the 2,305,072 LOGMAN sensors, successfully de-baconizing the entire station. Unfortunately, LOGMAN had to be taken offline due to the massive amounts of energy flowing through the sensor array.
In recognition of his heroic deeds, DynaMars Corporation is declaring Resident #013 July's Employee of the Month! Please congratulate Resident #013 at your earliest convenience.
As a result of the introduction of Ares Station equipment, Cycnus Station is now suffering from a stationwide bed bug outbreak. A fumigator, LOGMAN repairman, and temporary commander are all in route and should arrive in 36 days. DynaMars Corporation wishes to thank you for your understanding during this difficult time.
**End of updates. Thank you for using DynaMars Corporation's Cycnus Station Update Service!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up to date on the DynaMars Corporation's perpetually doomed efforts to colonize Mars.