This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.
*** 08-18-2305 - New Entry
Commanding Officer Miller is pleased to report that the damage caused by Specimen #11598-A has been fully repaired. Unfortunately, the repairs triggered an electrical surge in the Sector C Beef Containment Chamber, which resulted in an estimated 300 tons of super-heated liquid beef product being released into the Martian atmosphere. Although it may look extremely pleasant outside, please do not leave the station without adequate protection.
Due to the lack of fissionable beef, Commanding Officer Miller has regretfully issued a full moratorium on taco nights. DynaMars Corporation wishes to apologize for the inconvenience.
Resident #012, now acting as Chief Forklift Operator, has reported 100% progress in his assigned task of removing all the bags of cedar chips from Cycnus Station Auxiliary Shed #06. Not only will Auxiliary Shed #06 boast enough room for everyone, it will also feature a pleasant cedar smell.
*** 08-19-2305 - New Entry
DynaMars Corporation wishes to apologize to all Cycnus Station residents for the minor mix up that occurred on 06-28. An intern mistakenly transmitted GREEN PROTOCOLS to LOGMAN instead of LOGMAN EMERGENCY SERVICE PACK AND PERSONALITY DEFECT HOT FIX #924.
Due to the installation of GREEN PROTOCOLS, Cycnus Station is dangerously behind in meeting its mandated carbon footprint. DynaMars Corporation wishes to encourage all Cycnus Station residents to increase their greenhouse gas emissions as much as possible. Together, we can make Mars habitable!
In the meantime, Cycnus Station Solar Arrays #01-#12 are being taken offline. The Sector G Auxiliary Coal Plant is being brought online at full capacity. This was a necessary step due to the Solar Arrays being coated with a thick layer of beefy paste.
*** 08-20-2305 - New Entry
Commanding Officer Miller reports great success in relocating all personnel to Cycnus Station Auxiliary Shed #06. Unfortunately, Auxiliary Shed #06 is one person over capacity, so by way of impartial lottery, Resident #010 has been assigned to sleep in the nearby Ares Station. DynaMars Corporation would like to assure Resident #010 that, although abandoned, Ares Station remains one of the safest places on Mars.
DynaMars Corporation wishes to apologize to Cycnus Station personnel on behalf of Chief Medical Officer Brugmann, who mistakenly injected everyone with doses of phencyclidine instead of the mild sedative that was promised. We advise all residents to remain calm and refrain from throwing things or each other. The fumigation will be done by 0600 tomorrow, so there is no need to panic. Please sit back, relax, and enjoy the pleasant aroma of cedar!
As a safety measure, no further phencyclidine injections will be authorized.
This collection of sponsored links is presented by the Feather Wallpaper Council.
I'm Ray Parker Jr, and it's time I came clean.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up to date on the DynaMars Corporation's perpetually doomed efforts to colonize Mars.