This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.
*** 08-21-2305 - New Entry
DynaMars Corporation extends its deepest sympathies to the friends and families of the 238 Cycnus Station residents killed in the brutal orgy of violence, rape, and cannibalism that erupted in Auxiliary Shed #06. Although we know phencyclidine is a powerful chemical, it is no excuse to disregard station protocol. We are hereby issuing all surviving blood orgy participants with performance citations. Please refrain from this sort of behavior in the future.
DynaMars Corporation regrets to inform all residents of a slight delay with the fumigation. The contractor in charge of fumigation is indicating that the job will take an additional 4 days to complete. In the meantime, residents are advised to hunker down and enjoy this rustic retreat for a little longer!
Although there are a large number of bodies now occupying Auxiliary Shed #06, Chief Medical Officer Brugmann is certain that the strong cedar aroma will mask any unpleasant smells they might produce.
*** 08-22-2305 - New Entry
Surviving residents are advised to ignore the ominous transmissions coming from Ares Station. In all likelihood, Resident #010 mistakenly activated a damaged subsystem, causing the station to automatically transmit dire predictions of death. DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind all residents that these predictions are the beliefs of a damaged Ares Station subsystem, and not those of the DynaMars Corporation itself.
*** 08-23-2305 - New Entry
DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind all surviving Auxiliary Shed #06 residents not to open the airlock, no matter how sincere Resident #010 may sound. Although he is somehow surviving outside without any form of protection, it is likely due to the increased volume of beef in the atmosphere. DynaMars Corporation is also confident Resident #010 is lying when he claims to own a little piece of your soul.
Furthermore, Chief Medical Officer Brugmann is 100% certain his head will explode at any moment.
Ferguson's long arm of the law laments the latest cutback.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up to date on the DynaMars Corporation's perpetually doomed efforts to colonize Mars.