This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.
*** 08-24-2305 - New Entry
Please disregard Resident #010's continued threats. Although he may claim to be the human vessel for an all-powerful evil capable of feasting on souls, this is not the case. As observed by Chief Medical Officer Brugmann, Resident #010 is suffering from a unique strain of cabin fever rendering him immune to the effects of Mars' inhospitable atmosphere.
Although many of you are reporting seeing your loved ones standing outside, beckoning you to join them, they are not real. Chief Medical Officer Brugmann is certain that these phantoms are the result of regular cabin fever coupled with light bouncing off ionized beef particles falling to the surface.
Please remain indoors until Commanding Officer Miller gives the green light to return to Cycnus Station.
*** 08-25-2305 - New Entry
Exactly as Chief Medical Officer Brugmann predicted, Resident #010's head exploded. Unfortunately, this has not stopped him from beating on the airlock door. Although severely headless, Resident #010 remains a threat. Please continue ignoring him and the ghostly apparitions of your loved ones, as they are merely the result of stress and ionized beef particles.
Kudos to Resident #013 for his enterprising solution to the Resident #010 dilemma. Using the Cycnus Station Emergency Personnel Carrier's Remote Control, he was able to run over Resident #010 several times, eliminating his ability to move.
Commanding Officer Miller has given the green light for all survivors to return to Cycnus Station. Although the fumigator has failed to respond to radio transmissions for the past 24 hours, DynaMars Corporation is confident that he is fine and simply too busy working.
*** 08-26-2305 - New Entry
Welcome to the new Cycnus Station! Due to a clerical error, the contractor hired to fumigate Cycnus Station turned out to be a painter, and he managed to paint half the station. Unfortunately, he was unable to finish the job, as a hardy beef blockage in the Sector G Auxiliary Coal Plant caused carbon dioxide emissions inside the station to reach lethal levels. Thankfully, this took care of the bedbug problem as well.
However, as certain station personnel were all too eager to return to Cycnus Station, they failed to observe proper sterilization protocols and reintroduced the bedbugs right back into the station. DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind all residents that safety and patience go hand in hand.
Due to the recent manpower shortages, all surviving crewmembers will be required to work overtime until replacements arrive. A full complement of personnel and one licensed fumigator are already in route and should arrive in 14 days times.
DynaMars Corporation hopes that these recent tragedies will serve as inspiration to all Cycnus Station residents to work hard and stay positive!
**End of updates. Thank you for using DynaMars Corporation's Cycnus Station Update Service!
The human anatomy is home to more than three hundred organs. Doctors and chocolatiers agree that the vast majority of these revolting lumps of tissue serve little to no function. If you find yourself standing in a long line or stuck at the airport waiting for a delayed flight, consider taking a few minutes to remove the following from your person.
Do you have what it takes to make it on the ballot?
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up to date on the DynaMars Corporation's perpetually doomed efforts to colonize Mars.