COWBOY HASSAN'S E3 ROUNDUP!

The general consensus seems to be that E3 pretty much sucked this year. Most of the announcements were things we already knew and nobody had any knock you on your ass news. It's like when grandma comes over and tells you about her trip to Canada she took with grandpa years ago before he died and it's the same story you've heard 20 times before and you just can't take it anymore and you bash her head in with a lamp and you've got to soak the body in a bathtub full of acid and hide the bones while everybody asks you, "Where's grandma?" E3 is kind of like that except grandma is telling you about Halo 3.

So what did actually happen at E3 this year? As you'll see, pretty much nothing.

Xbox 360 price cut: There was one, just one, big prediction this year that industry analysts and rabid bloggers were nothing but sure would happen, that Microsoft's console would receive a price cut in response to the recent PS3 price drop. Of course it never came to fruition, proving once again that industry analysts and bloggers are the most worthless creatures on Earth and should be eradicated from the planet.

The media was out in full force for this year's E3 extravaganza. Metal Gear Solid 4

What we learned: Nothing.
What we already knew: Metal Gear Solid is still coming to PS3 and Hideo Kojima is still threatening to retire, you know, just like last time. These Metal Gear games are funny and all but I think the world is going to go on without this guy. The grandstanding about retiring is just annoying. He's worse than Jordan was. Maybe Kojima will retire from games and play baseball or design a word processor or something.

Unreal Tournament 2007

What we learned: Nothing.
What we already knew: Unreal Tournament is still coming to PS3 and PC. With so many third party developers jumping ship I wonder how much Sony had to pay for that one.

Gears of War PC Version

What we learned: Nothing.
What we already knew: Leaked trailer aside, haven't we figured out already that every Xbox 360 game is coming to the PC in some form or another? It isn't that hard to port these games. Just change the line in the game's code that says "RUN ON PC?" from "NO" to "YES", slap a Games for Windows logo on it and you're set. I'm glad that Windows XP will be able to run it, which kind of makes you wonder why the hell Halo 2 can't run on XP.

PSP Revision

What we learned: Nothing.
What we already knew: Nobody is buying this shit anyway.

Grand Theft Auto IV

What we learned: Nothing.
What we already knew: Once you're done with Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories 2, Microsoft will offer to milk you for even more Russian thug action. Man I just love announcements about downloadable content that come a year before a game's release. It used to be that expansion packs were announced after a game was released, not before. This is truly next-gen.

Mass Effect

What we learned: Nothing.
What we already knew: The most complex conversation tree simulator hits the Xbox 360 this Fall. It was pretty funny how they were downplaying the RPG elements in the trailer though. Come on guys, Knights of the Old Republic sold really well! There's no need to pretend RPGs are only for faggots anymore.

Playstation 3

What we learned: Nothing.
What we already knew: The Playstation 3 is continuing to dominate the competition.

Excitement was in the air at the Microsoft press conference.So was there actually anything new we learned at this year's E3? Well there was, but they were announcing it at the Who Gives A Shit Convention. Here's a little taste of what you don't give a shit about:

A next-gen version of the DVD board game Scene It? will be released for the Xbox 360 complete with buzzer-like controller prompting everybody to ask, "People actually buy those things? I mean, I see them at stores all the time but, wow."

Silent Hill 5 announced. Konami denies Silent Hill 4 ever existed.

Exclusive Halo 3 themed Xbox 360 announced. Peter Moore hangs himself.

Rock Band announced by the people who brought you Guitar Hero. Now look like a faggot not by yourself, but with three other people.

Disney movies are now downloadable over the Xbox Live Marketplace. New catchphrase born, "360 is for babby".

However, it must be said that there was one genuinely good piece of news to come out of E3. At the Nintendo press conference Super Mario Galaxy was given a release date. No, it's not the news about a release date that will ultimately be changed anyway, but what Nintendo of America president Reggie Fils-Aime said.

I don't know how else to put it. This game is over the top. This is the first worthy successor to Mario 64.

Finally, confirmation from a Nintendo executive that Super Mario Sunshine was a giant piece of shit. It's like Christmas in July. Truly this was the best E3 ever.

Maybe next year they'll admit the Gamecube versions of Star Fox were designed by furries.

– Hassan "Acetone" Mikal

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