Going to Meet the President is Amazing Times Indeed
America is for a time being the land of the free and the home of Yours Truly.Long time reader and many fans of Yours Truly are knowing that I am making the big splashes within Mexico, but it is not possibly known that I am not huge and famous outside of country. This is why I am very excited when I am made to receive a letter from the President of America saying "El Pinto Grande you truly are a wrestler to fill a heart with gallons of pride. Be coming to America to help me usher in this new and excitement bound era of my presidency as American president." I walk in big pants but that does not mean I am not almost fainting with joy when I am seeing the words the president has written on the letter to me.
I run and tell wife and large son about this and they are jumping up and down but I warn them to watch themselves because they might summon bad spirits if there is excitement to disturbing the long time sleep of the Incan tombs near American Chemical Plant drainage pond. Once things are being settled down somewhat I put on my finest luchador mask and pack my bags for my bus trip to the bright lights and big city of Bakersfield, California. I am thinking president is in Washington State but this may not be true although it is hard to know these days with the changing ways of politics and the tectonic plates.
Yours Truly is waving goodbye to the fans and the family and gives a huge wrestling hug to my good friend Sombrero Largo at bus station. Tears are being wiped from eyes by many of the gathered people, even though they are knowing that my destination will soon be a return to Mexico. This trip on the bus is very long time in the offing and I am making to entertain fellow travelers with my tales of great triumphs and tragic defeats turned into even greater triumphs within the confines of the squared circle. They are cheering by the time this bus has arrived in Bakersfield, California.
One of American President's men shows off car to citizen of America.It is taking me some time to find address as I am frequently given to distracting by large cows that make shouts of challenge. These cows are forcing me to jump over fences which are shocking to my hands and then engage in a battle of wrestling mastery. Several times these are giving me a run for my money but I am a true fighter and while the cow has a lot of spirit it is not possessing training which can give you focus with the raw talent. Finally am arriving at the meeting place for American President and I am seeing that he is owning hundreds of cars! Americans are so rich it is boggling my mind. Then I tell myself "Yours Truly, this is the president, he is sure to have more cars and jewels than any other person in this fair land."
I am greeted by man in cowboy sombrero who is telling me that he is the president. I do not believe him because he is dressed like sometimes the wrestlers who come to Tijuana wrestling league from southern America are. Eventually he is convincing me though. He says we have important television broadcast to film together on the day after the day which I am arriving. This is filling me with pride so much I have to hold onto the top of my mask because I am worried that pride will explode out of the top of my skull part like oil well of pride.
He is driving me to "Best of the Western Hotel" which is like a glittering palace for the senses. He says that they have good muffins for breakfast and is giving me presidential advice to take advantage of free muffins and drink some free oranges juiced in the morning times. So wise is this man.
Let me tell you about "Best of the Western Hotel". There are so many things there that are just amazingly incredible, it is like being waited upon by harem in Arabia.
- There is two beds for just one Yours Truly!
- Beds with quarter are making to shake in frightening way!
- Television is receiving channel with the naked women!
- Shower is warm or cold depending on turn of dial!
- Shower is not releasing water that makes eyes crying with fumes!
- Shower has doors made from glass or possibly even diamonds!
- No fight with rat people when shower is first turned on! This must be bribes to rat queen and I know from my dealings with her that she is demanding very meaty tithe.
- Sheets are not stained with blood or other spilled organ juices!
- Free ice from machine is amazing invention! This robot is putting to shame the best creation for wrestling mayhem of Indomitable Dr. Fights and it is friendly and courteous with dispensing the ice towards the bucket!
- There is lounge in which I can sit to meet other visitors from other countries. I am spending much evening in this area to introduce peoples from other realms into the world of luchadors and high-flying rudos. The smaller people and the children are known of my incredible ability to leap over chair and then dive behind counter. I am asked to return to room and knowing I have filled hearts with love of wrestling I am returning to room.
- Dancing is not against laws or codes in this wonderful paradise of Bakersfield, California. It is dancing the night away on eerie shaking robot bed for Yours Truly!
American President may not look like much, bet his is real winner of a guy!So amazing, I am eating the muffins and drinking the juice in the morning and then the president himself is arriving to drive me in his car to the presidential headquarters. There are already the cameras set up and he tells me "amazing wrestler from Mexico El Pinto Grande, whose deeds are made into the legend, you are supposed to say 'Mister America's Cars put a headlock on the competition'. Then you are to put headlock on me." I am not fast to want to put headlock on president because I am hearing before that snipers will shoot you in the eye or possibly nose if you are doing this. He is making to insist though.
I try this many times but my English talking is not so good and they have to do it over and over again and then finally I am getting it right. After day is ended with the filming the President of America is taking me to a huge food spot where we are served I think ten cows of meat. He says "It is all you can eat amazing wrestling sensation El Pinto Grande, so eat as much as you can!" I am made to follow his instructions and I am eating enough to crush a cracker! CRACK! After meal he is making to pay and is giving me a 20 dollar bill from America for my honor as a luchador and my skills in political situations.
This was trip was a wide eye opener! Maybe I am making more trips and telling you about them, but not trips in the ring HAHA I am not falling down. This is serious stuff!
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.