As the votes are finalized and the bloodthirsty, foreigner-killing, minority-hating Republicans claim their lead over the spineless, tree-humping, baby-stabbing Democrats, we are left with nothing but questions. Well actually, that sentence is wrong. We have a shitload of answers, such as "who won the elections" and "my candidate didn't lose by one vote, so now I don't have to feel guilty for refusing to hoist myself off my lard-studded ass and actually vote for them." However, for each winner, there is at least one loser. And for each loser, there are at least two major, bigtime, extreme, wacko losers. We're talking about the candidates that somehow managed to grab less than .0001% of the vote, which equates to "even the candidate themselves accidentally voted for somebody else." In today's update, we'll look at the big, horrible, disgusting, repugnant failures that were completely reamed this election year, examine their campaign moves, and attempt to figure out how they couldn't even convince the people in the bar they live in to vote for them. We will accomplish this by using very advanced, high tech, confusing machinery that contains many rows of randomly flashing lights, all of which serve no purpose but to distract us from the fact that we paid millions of dollars for a machine that accepts punchcards to configure its light-flashing sequences.
MINNESOTA SENATE BIG LOSER: Miro Drago Kovatchevich
NUMBER OF VOTES CANDIDATE LOST BY: 1,074,161 (earned 2,152 votes)
PARTY: The Constitution Party (the members of The Constitution Party roll 1d20 to determine their resistance to injury, disease, and humiliating political defeats)
BACKGROUND: Miro Drago "The Dragon" Kovatchevich imported himself into America in 1983, back when the United States was locked in a cold war with Russia, a cold war which ultimately ended up with the production of the films "Red Dawn" and "D.A.R.Y.L." Milo "The Milomonster" noticed that his home country of Croatia was going through a tough financial crisis in 1991, so he traveled back home and immediately realized Croatia is always in a tough financial crisis and they will always be in a tough financial crisis until they understand that nobody else in the world knows their country still exists. Our high tech, light-flashing computer indicates that Croatia, on average, has rebel factions take over chunks of land and declare independence from their homeland every nineteen seconds, even more often if there's nothing on TV that evening.
WHY THEY LOST: The Constitution Party enjoy taking extremisms from the already extreme Conservative spectrum (ie, "free Jesus and assault rifles for anybody with hands" policies) and then mixing in utter nonsense of their own ("death penalty for any clowns wearing striped suspenders"). As a result, the core message of the Constitution Party, which revolves around a plot by James Woods to target an orbiting Ion Cannon at Florida, becomes convoluted and incomprehensible like "Eraserhead" only slightly more bizarre. Drago's stolid stance on such issues as "Christian decency" and "public morality" fell deaf on the ears of Minnesota's voters, all of whom I guess are neither decent or moral. I'm sure the quotes on his webpage didn't help win over too many voters either:
"Stem cell research, cloning, repro-genetics and other manifestations of satanic science must be vigorously confronted and banned."
"Heal national soul by challenging moral inconsistency of quasi-humanists such as Wellstone. Nothing is wrong with hugging a tree, but what about hugging a child instead of murdering it?"
Milo "Krazy Kovatchevich" also supported such highly Christian ideals as the nuclear annihilation of anti-Christian rogue countries like North Korea, Pakistan, Iraq, Iran, Cuba, Iceland, China, Malaysia, downtown Pittsburgh, and Mare Serenitatis. Eventually Miro came up a scant 942 thousand votes short because his 85 dollar budget campaign only allowed him to produce one 10-minute program on community access television, a show that featured him debating sock puppets dresses as his opponents. Even though this debate was set up in advance by members of the Miro Drago campaign team (him and his mom), Drago still ended up losing the debate and had to be escorted off the set after breaking a bottle of whiskey over opponent Norm Coleman's head / hand. Drago proceeded to curse drunkenly and swear, vowing to "make them pay, make them all pay" and added the entire state of Minnesota to the "nuclear target" list. This proved to be the breaking point for Minnesota residents, so they decided to vote for the guy who didn't plan on murdering them through the powers of nuclear Jesus Christ.
MARYLAND SENATE BIG LOSER: Stephen Bassett
NUMBER OF VOTES CANDIDATE LOST BY: 105,082 (earned 1,493 votes)
PARTY: Independent (that means he was even too insane to be let into the Libertarian Party, and those guys are so nuts that they eat chunks of plywood for breakfast every day for Christ's sake)
BACKGROUND: Stephen Bassett, who has a 15-year background in business development and a physics degree, decided to devote his life to looking for Martians around 1995. He set up the "Paradigm Research Group" in Bethesda and promptly began his quest to find creatures in the universe even more insane than he is. This exciting program has made numerous important scientific discoveries such as "you can spend all your time and energy looking for aliens, but you won't find shit you stupid retards."
WHY THEY LOST: Throughout history, voters have shown a reluctance to vote for stark, insane, raving idiots whose primary political platform revolves around staring into space for prolonged periods of time. Bassett also has a rich history of affiliating himself with losing causes, as shown here on his very, very retarded website:
In January of 1998, Mr. Bassett assisted in launching the campaign of Frances Emma Barwood for Secretary of State of Arizona, the first candidate to ever run for high state or federal office in the United States who will directly address publicly the issue of possible intelligent extraterrestrial presence in our airspace and lack of proper government response to citizens demands on this matter. She subsequently lost the primary election.
Wow, she had the full support of Stephen Bassett, ace UFO reporter extraordinaire, yet she somehow still managed to lose in the primaries? I blame the US Government, who is obviously rigging the voting and preventing people interested in pursuing the truth, such as Stephen Bassett or Fox Mulder, from ever succeeding. Bassett planned on using the funds generated from his "Paradigm Research Group" to finance his political campaign, but ran into slight difficulty when he realized the "Paradigm Research Group" had been steadily losing thousands of dollars each week. As a result, he was forced to break into a Kinko's Copies and secretly print up 50 "VOTE FOR BASSETT - YOUR ONLY PROTECTION FROM THE HORRIBLE SAUCER PEOPLE" signs. Bassett's fellow "researchers" were unable to leave the "laboratory" and help him campaign because they were entrenched in a very fast-paced "Magic: The Gathering" game, so Bassett took all 50 signs and planted them in the most popular locations throughout Maryland. Unfortunately, most of these locations were private property, so he was put in jail for numerous accounts of trespassing. He attempted to convince his opponents to debate him from his prison cell, but they all declined, mostly because they felt the rampant anal sex in his cell would turn off potential broadcasters.
ALASKA GOVERNOR BIG LOSER: Billy Toien
NUMBER OF VOTES CANDIDATE LOST BY: 109,921 (earned 895 votes)
PARTY: Libertarian (that means he takes the craziest ideas from the Conservatives, the craziest ideas from the Liberals, and then adds his own crazy ideas such as "mandatory hot air balloon races" and "every child in school must consume nine pounds of chalk per year")
BACKGROUND: As one of the most well known Libertarians in Alaska, Billy - ahahahahahha, sorry, the beginning of this sentence just cracks me up. I mean, how much political influence does Alaska hold? Do they even worry about the same issues as the rest of America? First off, I doubt there's a big crime problem up there, as they would have to import their guns through Canada, and last time I checked Canada has one of those "Command and Conquer" type laser-beam Obelisks that instantly incinerate any weapons passing through their country. Secondly, the only stuff in Alaska is oil, eskimos, and snow. I don't think a Libertarian snow candidate would have too much success pushing his "less snow and oil pipelines, more heating supplies and SUVs" platform, but hey, what do I know? Billy the Alaskan Libertarian has made such wonderful quotes as the following:
"The law perverted! And the police powers of the state perverted along with it! The law, I say, not only turned from its proper purpose but made to follow an entirely contrary purpose! The law become the weapon of every kind of greed! Instead of checking crime, the law itself guilty of the evils it is supposed to punish! If this is true, it is a serious fact, and moral duty requires me to call the attention of my fellow-citizens to it."
He also lists his special interests as "political change, creative writing, ultra-lights and airships," which makes me believe that, if elected, the first thing he'd do would be to steal taxpayer money and create some experimental plane to fly the hell out of Alaska and spread his reign of terror to the mainland.
WHY THEY LOST: Billy seems to have a major issue with referring to all other politicians as "proctocrats," which I believe are the race of robots who fought against both the Autobots and Decepticons around the time the Decepticon leader found himself traveling through space inside that giant floating stone head. Nobody in Alaska except Billy and perhaps whomever he obtains his narcotics from know what "proctocrats" means, so many voters assumed he was anti-proctology. This infuriated women's rights activists and the powerful proctology lobbying group, both of whom requested Billy be shipped off on a giant floating stone space head. Although he lost by a scant 109 thousand votes or so, Billy still claims his loss was due to "computer errors," more specifically that not enough computers voted for him. Those computers were then tossed into space, where they soon took residence inside a giant floating stone head.
HAWAII GOVERNOR BIG LOSER: Daniel Cunningham
NUMBER OF VOTES CANDIDATE LOST BY: 193,406 (earned 378 votes)
PARTY: Free Energy (I honestly have no clue what this party is all about. I think it's one of those PLUR pro-rave things, where candidates must have pacifiers in their mouths during debates)
BACKGROUND: Well, I honestly don't know what to say about this guy since anything I could possibly make up would pale in comparison to his actual background:
A former chiropractor who claims he lost his license for curing cancer, Cunningham said he decided to run for governor when he realized that he was Daniel of Revelation of the Ecclesia. "I'm the guy from the Bible," he said. "I realized the only solution for change was to bring it."
He had been a Libertarian, but they did not support his plan to use decommissioned nuclear submarines to provide free energy for the state, so he founded the Free Energy party.
Oh... boy. In addition, he claims his current job occupation is "curing my own cancer" and his qualifications to run the state government are as follows: "a plutonium economy is energy independent and phases out a predatory power system, namely the Federal Reserve. JFK knew what a plutonium economy is." I hope they have strict gun control laws in Hawaii, because I can honestly see this guy addressing his failure to become Governor by expressing himself at the top of a belltower with a high-powered rifle.
WHY THEY LOST: Did you read the above selected chunk of text? The guy lost the election because of the following reasons:
1) He's fucking insane.
2) He's really fucking insane.
3) Dear Lord this man is nuts.
Can you imagine what would happen if he was elected? We'd have nuclear subs flying around the place to make our toasters work, he would be curing cancer through what I can only assume would be using space beams from the moon, and his associates would all be people who are firmly convinced they are angels and have been living for over 2,000 years. The state of Hawaii would turn into some fucked up Japanese sitcom, only with a lot more people being killed and possibly irradiated, which would probably hurt the tourism industry after a while.
TENNESSEE GOVERNOR BIG LOSER: Basil Marceaux
NUMBER OF VOTES CANDIDATE LOST BY: 843,175 (earned 301 votes)
PARTY: Independent (he was previously kicked out of the "Dependant" party because of the fact that his name was "Basil," a title which is exclusively reserved for 96-year old librarians who are liable to keel over and die at any given moment)
BACKGROUND: Basil, who changed his first name from "Sissy Faggot" back in 1987, has deep roots in politics. For example, he's watched CSPAN on numerous occasions, some of which when he wasn't drunk. Basil is also well versed in such political arts as "Study management, Marketing complate training in auto repair" and has read many books such as "Person Success Planning, By Paul Meyer." If that doesn't just qualify you as the best candidate in the world, I'm sure this block of text from his website will win you over:
WHAT IS A GOOD GOVERNOR or U.S.Senator?
1. FOLLOWS THE CONSTITUTION
2. HAS WELL-BEING FOR THE CITIZENS SAFETY
3. PEOPLE PERSON
4. HONEST AND SMART
5. A GOOD LISTENER
He seems to have mistakenly left out "6. FIRM DETACHMENT FROM ALL FORMS OF REALITY."
WHY THEY LOST: We believe that the biggest factor contributing to Basil "Straight Out of the 1970's" Marceaux's defeat was the fact that he actually ran as "an Independent candidate for Governor and Senator." Apparently the Independent Party in Tennessee stands for "Independent of Coherent Thought." During Basil's heated campaign, which featured him touring Denny's across the state and once shouting "vote for me!" in a movie theater showing the film "Ghost Ship," many voters found themselves repulsed by his lack of personal hygiene and sobriety. His failure to concentrate on losing one political office distracted him from his ultimate goal of losing two political offices, resulting in him forgetting to even ask his relatives to vote for him (even though they would've refused anyway). Basil repeatedly challenged rival Gubernatorial and Senate candidates to debates, but requested that he be able to debate all of them at once in one location. Nobody agreed to his outlandish ideas, but since security was specifically instructed to not allow Basil access to the auditorium, it all worked out. Basil's website, which has a very festive color scheme best described as "faggy colors on a faggy background," somehow failed to gather the necessary votes despite displaying such magnificent quotes:
"DO OU WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO THE JUDGE CONCERNING THIS COMPLAINT COME AND SAY TO ME YOU WANT TO INTERVEE AS A THIRD PARTY o"
I guess it didn't help that Basil apparently refuses to purchase any clothing manufactured since 1973, but that was really the least of his problems. The issue that truly sank his candidacy was the fact that he looks like a drunk, bloated, disheveled Cliff Clavin from "Cheers." Oh yeah, and his name is "Basil." Hahaha, Basil.
See folks, no matter how bitter or jaded you EVER become, you should always keep in the back of your mind that DEMOCRACY PREVENTED THESE PEOPLE FROM OBTAINING POLITICAL POWER. You can bitch and moan about current politicians as much as you like, but remember that for every politician elected to office, there are at least 20 absolutely insane people who never got close thanks to the raw power of democracy. Praise the fucking Lord for Republicans and Democrats, for after reading about these nutballs, I have an impassioned love for them that I never felt before. Thank God for democracy!
We'll Take the Physical Challenge
Zack "Grape Predator" Parsons here with an all new SA Story Time for you folks. This installment we're taking a look at all of those cheesy novels about man playing god and the consequences that inevitably arise. The story is entitled "D.A.R.E." and it's about a robot so human that all he really needs is love!
The man interrupted DARE's response by throwing a half-filled beer bottle at the robot. It broke open over his metal face.
"Robots is the devil!" Screamed the man. Several others joined him in a chorus of shouts and throwing mysteriously acquired half-filled beer bottles.
"Go back to Robotlandia!" Shouted one woman.
"Don't try and take my job metal demon!" Screamed a construction worker fully dressed in hard hat and denim hot pants.
"BEEEEEEEEEEP!" Cried the distraught DARE as Doctor Brainstrong tried to calm him. He flailed his arms and stomped clumsily in a circle beeping loudly as more insults rained down on him.
Looks like quite a tough time for our hero DARE! Will he be able to survive the prejudice against robots that this hateful world has created AND find love in the process? Only reading our exciting and brand new SA Story Time "D.A.R.E." will answer those questions and more!
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The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.