Great Moments in Electric Football History
Just like any other sport played over the last 50 years, electric football has a significant legacy to it. Yes, your real football has events like The Immaculate Reception, The Miracle on Ice, and Tom Landry’s famous killing spree when he thought his famous hat was stolen; electric football is not lacking any of these moments. There are at least six. Listen folks, as electric football’s primary historian, I can only do so much. Record keeping would be a lot easier if this game wasn’t played mostly by the illiterate.
Prepare to be astounded by ELECTRIC FOOTBALL’S GREATEST MOMENTS!
With the abolition of the ELF Negro Leagues, exciting multi-cultural game boxes such as this one were produced. Here, a young Alfonso Ribeiro is clearly enjoying himself.
- December 14, 1960: The Electric Football Negro Leagues are abolished and Larry “Emancipation” Daniels becomes the first black electric football player drafted into the EFL. Unfortunately, at this time sale of electric football to African-Americans was outlawed by most electric football commissioners (who believed that giving non-whites something to harness the power of electricity would only lead to race wars). Only in 1984 would the popularity of The Cosby Show change the minds of these men and finally make electric football available for one and all. Let freedom ring!
- January 9, 1974: The final play of the 1978 EFL finals. A freak vibration pops 39 year-old Vince Schmeckler’s QB off the table and onto the filthy carpet of the Suburban Assembly of God rec room. This game marks the first electric football win by temper tantrum, a strategy that most EFL players would adopt in the future.
- September 28, 1979: A tragedy: At Sacramento Plastics and Poison, the foremost producer of electric football sets, worker Pedro Martinez’s body gets stuck in the massive, unforgiving machinery of the factory. When plant owners are too budget-conscious to temporarily stop production and free the trapped worker, a massive strike is held that threatens the very future of electric football. Luckily, most serious electric football players knew at least nine to fourteen other people who had barely-touched electric football sets in their closets.
- May 7, 1987: Another tragedy: The EFL, trying to capitalize on the then-famous “Superbowl Shuffle,” rounded up a group of epileptics to videotape dancing for their new “Electric Football Shuffle.” In order to simulate the unique movements of electric football players, high-powered strobe lights were pointed at these epileptics to make them go into violent convulsions. Needless to say, TV viewers found this event nightmarish, which further tarnished the great majesty of electric football.
- November 16, 1992: 52 year-old Vance Turkle wins the 1992 regional EFL championship, and the custom designed trophy that goes along with it. When his mom comes to pick him up, tragedy strikes the ELF once again, and her words, “I don’t want that damn thing in my house,” causes Turkle to throw a traditional league-approved EFL tantrum. But with this tantrum… there were no winners; Turkle’s mother refused to budge on her anti-trophy stance. Vance retired from the league shortly thereafter.
- September 17, 2006: Keith Jackson’s Pro Electric Football 1958 goes into production, marking the first new electric football game to be produced in over 20 years. The shockwaves produced by this event are not unlike that of The Holocaust.