Hoping that I suffer personally was a common theme among many of the emails. To the credit of the angry emailers this was as close as things came to threats of violence. Okay, some of them came really close.
|From: Andy K.|
To: [email protected]
Subject: i hoep your daughter suffers this sort of abuse
i hope if you ever can get your limp dick up and find some fat ugly woman to make a baby you will feel what its like and your kid will be tortured in this media environment!!
if you have a daughter I hope she is a prono star and you have to see her get fucked by DICKS and if its a boy I hope he's on gay porno
I never wished harm on Sarah Palin or her children. In fact, I would love to cure Trig's Down syndrome and whisk him away from the spiteful barbarity of the Palin family to a life with a couple of lesbian librarians in Burbank. They could raise him to love the world around him and respect his fellow men and women. He would donate to the ACLU and volunteer at an organic foodbank handing out wheat cookies to hardworking immigrants struggling to escape poverty.
But another chromosomal case wearing a Confederate flag shirt, living in an ill-got mansion, and shooting off shotguns at airplanes is fine as well.
As for Andy, well, he seems a bit sex-obsessed when it comes to my children, but if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
|From: [email protected]|
To: Andy K.
Subject: Re: i hoep your daughter suffers this sort of abuse
it's so neat that our aspirations are so similar! As it would happen, I've shot enough male hormone into my dick's main stem to get it up and impregnate the wallowing hog lady who lives in the woods behind my shack. The wildlife rangers say she's expecting a girl, and I'm gonna raise her up right to porno hard as soon as she is of earning age.
I want her to hit the ground running. None of this softcore, to lesbian-only, to straight, to anal, to weird fetish porn. I want her taking messy shits on old men in the Ukraine the day she turns 18. I want her doing six months on a webcam in Saudi Arabia letting hairy Sunni patriarchs beat her with socks full of oranges. I plan to pay for breast implants so big they will bust through the fat layer and seep into one of those uniboobs you get after an St. Louis tit job.
She will travel down bukkake boulevards like a conquering gokun general. She will do ass to mouth and puke on filthy shitdicks with tears of joy streaming down her cheeks. Her gape will be amazing. They'll make a machine only she can take and send her to an island to be drill-fucked into oblivion by the mechanical lust of the entire Internet. She'll be a flickering fuck queen of our time, not even human anymore, just a mindless collection of body parts to be used for pleasure, pounding it out on streaming video while an entire generation cranks dilz.
If I have a boy, well, gay porno ooooh fuck you've gone too far. Don't be disgusting.
Andy has not replied to me, but I'm sure he's working on his response right now.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.