My pretties --
Together, we’ve made history. On January 20th, history will be made again.
For the first time since Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated in 1861, Barack Obama will be sworn in as President of the United States.
This unprecedented event is expected to attract a record number of revelers and disciples, hangers-on, wayward youths, would-be-assassins and, most of all, you. You made this happen. You are responsible for this. Not Washington lobbyists. We will turn Washington lobbyists away at the door that we might make more room for you.
Shamefully, Washington lobbyists are usually the very people who fund inauguration ceremonies. “Barack,” I said to Barack Obama, “without lobbyists, how will we have a party?”
And Barack said to me, “David, David Plouffe, listen to me: this barn would make a pretty good stage, and I can sing a little. Emmylou can paint backdrops on these old horse blankets. Doggone it, I think we can put on our own show.”
Barack was speaking in metaphors, except for the part about singing a little. He can sing a little, if four octaves is “a little.” What he means is this: with our continuing support, we can fund this inaugural ceremony by ourselves, without letting those tumescent plutocrats darken our doorstep with their frictionless tuxedos and their blood money.
To thank you for your continuing support, we’re offering you a chance to attend this milestone in human progress -- personally. If you donate any amount of money to us -- any amount, but don’t effing lowball us -- we will send you a ticket to attend this inauguration. What the hell, c’mere ya big idiot, give “Ungle” David Plouffe a goddamned big bear hug.
Donate now for your once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to witness history.
Obama for America
My friend --
We’re in the throes of the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. Families are hurting. Unemployment is at the highest level in a decade. Dreams are being deferred, dating standards are falling, and more families are switching from Heinz to Hunt’s.
Help is on the way. A change is coming to America.
In the weeks before my inauguration, my team is already working hard on an ambitious stimulus package to help Americans get back on their feet. This plan will be costly, but dramatic action is necessary -- if we don’t act quickly, this recession could deepen even further.
We can’t do it without your support. In this difficult time, we ask that you render modest tribute to the dream of change -- the hope of dreams. Your contributions will help us send stimulus checks to every taxpaying American in every town in every state. The more you donate, the more American will get back -- with interest.
I’ll see you on January 20th, America. Make sure I’m smiling.
We clear up the BREXIT for confused Americans wondering why the global economy is collapsing this time.
BEEP! BOOP! ZAP! Video games aren't for my dad anymore! Because he's dead.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.