Many of you know that I'm one of the foremost experts in the study of emoticons. We call ourselves emoticonologists, for obvious reasons, and we take our work and ourselves very seriously. Communication is a dynamic force, seemingly evolving into new levels of complexity and simplicity at every turn. In the future words will be obsolete. In their place will be emoticons, a vast, friendly form of hieroglyphic that communicates emotions in an instantaneous, unambiguous manner. This week I was visiting the new wing of CERN, where emoticonologists are smashing emoticons together inside a giant particle accelerator in hopes of capturing a rare and theoretical "emotiton" particle, which is fundamental to understanding just how emoticons work.
All of this science and research got me thinking about some other major scientific breakthroughs, such as the harnessing of atomic energy. While an incredible boon in some respects, atomic science also ushered in an age of unparalleled fear, where mankind gained the power to destroy itself many times over. There are few things that mankind cannot destroy or twist for purposes of evil. Could emoticons be any different?
We already know that the emoticon language is flooded with ridiculous entries that contribute nothing. For those of us seeking to make emoticons a serious language, we have to work hard to ensure purity of language by doing our part to remove unnecessary clutter. It may sound a little grim, and I do not rest easy knowing that each year I send thousands of smiling yellow faces to die in vast proverbial death camps. But in the end, it is a necessary evil. Should we forsake standards in favor of complete acceptance of everything, the world would spin off its axis and roll into the sun like a bowling ball in the hands of a tyrannosaurus rex.
There are cases where I find myself confronted with emoticons promoting a sinister agenda, and in these instances it is easy to dismiss them, sending them off to be culled in the name of progress. It shames me to say this, but there are many who use the emoticon language to perpetuate pure evil. This week I'm taking a bit of time to discuss some of the more terrifying and horrific emoticons. I do not mean to embrace or demystify the beast, merely to give it a name before sending it back to hell.
|Look closely, for this is the face of an emoticon gone wrong. Somewhere, somehow, our friend lost his way, and decided to peer into the horrible abyss of the occult world, letting himself be corrupted along the way. After years of service to darkness, found himself twisted and deformed, a mutated shadow of his former self. What's more, seems confused and lost, knowing full well that the darkness offers no real reward. At the end of the night, it will leave him be to suffer the toils of the day. It burdens me greatly that people would even consider putting emoticons through such torture. What is this emoticon even saying? "Hello, I'm staring into my bubbling cauldron right now." That's not even a goddamn emotion!|
|Leering into the darkness can also produce savage results. Here we have an emoticon so obsessed with violence that reason has gone out the window like an extra in a skyscraper disaster movie. Somewhere one hundred floors below there is a bloody mess of right, lost to the defenestrating menace of wrong. If emoticons are to be the future of communication, it is essential that we craft them to be peaceful. We are architects here. The question is, do we want to be the kind of architects that build castles with traps that keep us at bay, or the kind that build castles with amenities that keep us safe and comfortable? Like most people, I want my home safe so that I am able to get up and go to the bathroom without having my legs chopped off by a projectile saw blade. I feel the same way about my language, except without the going to the bathroom part.|
|The disturbing and evil Cthulhu has become a horrible cliché for Internet nerds to invoke in lieu of creativity. Now this ancient Elder God has intruded into the land of emoticons, and I couldn't be more displeased. How is this going to contribute to communication? It won't! Cthulhu himself, as far as I know, communicates through strings of gibberish with lots of apostrophes. Do we really need to make emoticons for the false idols of horror stories?|
|I've dealt with the topic of emoticon death before, but this takes it to a new dimension. Before we witnessed the angelic , baseless speculation that the emoticon has an immortal soul. But travels into the land of self-parody by suggesting that some of these emoticon souls apparently do not make it to heaven. If this is form of communication, how does it work? If a word ceases to be, we no longer use it. But what of emoticons? This is one is dead, so why would we ever need it?|
|I have no idea what emotion this is supposed to communicate, but it sends chills down my spine so strong that my cape shivers. It demonizes the pumpkin and perhaps all pumpkin derivatives, including pumpkin pie. Using this emoticon in a conversation is the equivalent of hitting someone in the testicles with a taser, and therefore should be abolished at once. I fear that if this emoticon were to become widespread, millions of Internet users would die of shock, as opposed to the conventional obesity related heart attack at age 30. We must protect ourselves and each other and make certain this image never becomes more than a faint urban legend.|
|In all my years I have never seen a sight more ghastly and terrifying than this one. It's the ultimate perversion of the simple . It's at once mesmerizing and horrifying, a vivid recollection of Martin Sheen emerging from the primordial waters as a killer in the haunting last moments of "Apocalypse Now." Is murder far behind? I shudder to think, and I will be shuddering for days.|
I must say that I'm incredibly disturbed by these emoticons. It troubles me that something so close to me could be used to convey such unspeakable evil, but that's mankind for you. I hope that horrible designs like these will be rare, and that better, less frightful days are ahead of us.
I have written a small number of words pertaining to events of a nature that I will fully disclose about in the Daily Dirt.
Tucker Carlson's idiot brother just called New York mayor Bill de Blasio's spokeswoman a "LabiaFace."
Hey, have you guys ever seen a picture of a cat before? Well, guess what. It’s your lucky day, because I’m mixing the concept of a picture of my cat with the concept of the Internet!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.