This article is part of the Awful Energy Drink and Food Reviews series.
Joker MAD ENERGY (16 oz)
Description: Well then, this is pretty much the worst anything ever. I can't really dredge up any accurate way to fully convey Joker MAD ENERGY's polluted chemical taste. It's like being body slammed by a bag full of dicks.
Energy Composition: 2000mg Taurine. 5000mg "Energy Blend" (Glucose, Caffeine, Guarana, Inositol, Glucuronolactone, Maltodextrin). There's also probably a few thousand milligrams of chemicals scientists haven't been able to name yet, ones where the atoms spin in several different dimensions and do all kinds of crazy shit.
Retarded Quote From Can: "The reason we call it MAD ENERGY is 'cause Joker is loaded with a high potency energy blend to give you a lift when you need it most! So, whether you just need to make it through the day or party all night grab Joker Mad Energy and you'll be ready for the fight. Joker Mad Energy... Outrageous."
You'd be safe to assume I hate everything associated with this drink.
Rating: 0 / 10, and I furthermore pray death upon everybody involved with this product's creation.
Coolah (16 oz)
Description: It's Fake-Australian, so it must be good! "Coolah is a village in Australia where everyone's got a little more energy. They paint. Play rugby. Sing. Throw darts. Dance. And they drink Solo, the beverage with a lemon tang that was the inspiration for Coolah Energy. We added Australian Boronia, Taurine, and B-Vitamins to make this one bonzer drink. So pop the top and give it a bash! Welcome to the land of Coolah. ENERGY FROM DOWN UNDER!" Well now, that was sufficiently embarrassing to read, wasn't it?
According to its information label, Coolah is canned in Plano, Texas. I spent a few days engaging in complex advanced research and eventually determined this location is, in fact, not physically located inside Australia! Turns out it's actually in Texas.
Unlike the drink's confusing origins, its taste fulfills the can's promise, delivering an experience both tart and lemony. This might come as a shock and surprise to anybody who somehow managed to read this far, but I seriously enjoyed drinking Coolah, and promptly consumed the entire can. I would even consider purchasing it again! Unfortunately, Coolah's lack of 100% American Power Up Deadly Stimulant Narcotics resulted in a corresponding lack of energy. I felt absolutely no desire to play rugby, sing, or throw darts, even after drinking 16 ounces of Coolah (twice our government's daily recommended Coolah intake). I did, however, create a painting of myself giving birth to a rather large fish tank.
Energy Composition: NO CAFFEINE?!? How can all the learned Australians of Plano, Texas swear by an energy drink lacking caffeine? Coolah simply tosses out a pittance of Taurine, Boronia, and Vitamin B. Guess I'll have to drink from the unleaded hose to get mah precious American chemicals.
Retarded Quote From Can: That stupid block of fake Australian text quoted above. If I was Australian and discovered Americans writing garbage like that, I'd wage a jihad against Coolah, Foster's, and Outback Steakhouse.
Rating: 8 / 10 (would be 9 if it had, well, energy in it)
RAM JAM (16 oz)
Description: The blurry, unreadable URL on the can advised me to visit www.ramjam.com, which I discovered was a placeholder full of advertisements. Assuming I read the address incorrectly, I inserted a hyphen and visited www.ram-jam.com, which also led to similar results. It's generally not considered a good sign when a company is either too inept or cheap to maintain their own product's advertised website. Fortunately Ram Jam is apparently aiming more towards the weak "psychotic soft drink" side of the spectrum, as opposed to the competitive "energy drink with a zillion milligrams of chemicals used to dissolve oil tankers" angle.
RAM JAM approaches this market from the "um, let's go for the artificial lemon angle I guess," since fake lemon chemicals are the easiest to mass manufacture. It essentially tastes like heavily caffeinated Alwayz-Save Lemony Lime Soda Pop Soft Drink Alternative For the Poor Family With the Lice Problem Down the Street. Which it is, only with much more bull semen. The can depicts an image of a wacky ram falling off his mountain bike. Ha ha oh that Ram Jam, what a character that guy is.
Energy Composition: 160mg of caffeine, 2000mg of taurine, and relatively low amounts of inositol, glucuronolactone, and choline. I looked up "choline" on the internet, which described it as "a natural amine found in the lipids that make up cell membranes and in the neurotransmitter acetylcholine." I thought it said "a natural anime" and then I laughed.
Retarded Quote From Can: "JAMS ENDURANCE, JAMS PERFORMANCE, JAMS CONCENTRATION, JAMS METABOLISM, SPEED UP REACTION WITH A JAM OF CAFFEINE!" I'm not sure about all that crap, but I can verify it unclogs jammed up drains when you dump the entire can into them. If you'd like to know more about this exciting product, I can supply you with several dead URLs leading nowhere.
Rating: 4 / 10
RAM JAM LITE (16 oz)
Description: Unlike the extreme, fresh-and-in-your-face font for "RAM JAM," the word "LITE" is displayed in weaker, fruitier letters. It's as if the people at Ram Jam Inc. realized the unbridled, raw energy of their RAM JAM product line might be a little too much raw energy for children, pregnant women, and humanity in general, forcing them to slightly modify their secret RAM JAM formula. So how did they manage to "lite-en" this award-winning, 404-ing drink? Simple: they replaced the sugar with acesulfame potassium and added even more sodium! That's correct, they swapped RAM JAM's healthiest and most natural ingredient (sugar) with a horrible, vile chemical designed to associate the act of drinking liquids with growing a colony of live wasps inside your tonsils.
Energy Composition: Same as RAM JAM (not so light).
Retarded Quote From Can: "JAMS (six blank lines) PERFORMANCE (six blank lines) WITH (six blank lines) ZERO CALORIES (six blank lines) AND (six blank lines)) ZERO CARBS." If you're drinking this garbage and are seriously worried about your carbohydrate intake, you've got much bigger problems going on. For example, your brain.
Rating: 2 / 10
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
B-vitamins! Taurine! Ginseng! L-Carnitine! Guarana! Caffeine! Inositol! Revolting, horrendous acidic bile that burns through your throat while providing enough synthetic "energy" to fry your synapses! These are the Something Awful energy drink (and energy bars) reviews!