You walked into this restaurant, sat down, and enjoyed a nice meal, but now the check has arrived and you have realized you do not have your wallet. You've probably had a rough day. Were you chased by a dog that tore open your back pocket as you were climbing a fence? Was there some sort of mix-up where your wallet and somebody else's identical wallet were on a counter and you picked up the other person's wallet because you were in a rush to catch a train?
It's okay, mate! Take a deep breath and relax. Situational awareness is vitally important to dealing with a lost wallet scenario. Take in your surroundings paying particular attention to points of egress, sentries and their patrol routes, guard dogs, and passive denial obstacles such as fences, dragon's teeth, minefields, and ditches.
Stall your waitress for time. Ask her for a refill on your drink or order something for dessert. While she is occupied begin searching for weaponry. Knives and forks will do in a pinch, but search the wall for rusty tchotchkes.
You would be amazed how many restaurants incorporate easily-weaponized farm implements into the décor such as pitchforks and adzes. Don't overlook hard-edged items like novelty license plates, signs advertising sodas that fell out of fashion at roughly the same time as zeppelin travel, and if you are in a weird Greek spaghetti restaurant in Wisconsin, drama masks painted gold.
If you are carrying a firearm you still may need to construct a silencer in the restaurant. Toilet paper rolls using compressed tissues as batting can make an effective sound suppressor in conjunction with subsonic ammunition.
Before committing to the use of force, exhaust all other options. Open lines of communication with local tribesmen, bus boys, or fellow patrons. If you can establish a rapport with the locals they can provide you with valuable intelligence about the wait-staff's whereabouts. A very good relationship could turn to trade, allowing you to pay off your debt in goods.
Beware of internecine conflicts. Primitive cultures will often look to the tier one operator as a person of authority and may bring problems to you in the hopes that you will resolve them. Avoid such entanglements at all cost. Your objective is to cover for your lack of a wallet and exfiltrate from the restaurant.
Once you have committed to an exit strategy and you have made the best preparations you can under the restaurant conditions, it is time to execute. Move swiftly and without hesitation towards the nearest exit. If anyone gets in your way you should aim for center mass with a double tap to the chest and one to the head in case they are wearing strike vests or similar body armor. Waitresses and managers can be dispatched using improvised weapons or hand-to-hand techniques. The most effective and painless kill is the neck snap.
Exit the building and deploy smoke to signal your extraction helo. If you plan to exit the battlefield by some other means then do so now.
If resistance is stiff do not hesitate to send a message. Executions of prisoners by necklacing is a common method employed by sub-Saharan military forces to put fear into the opposition. If possible, write down or memorize the cost of your check and mail payment at a future date.
Or you could wash dishes.
Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!
Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.
The famed gonzo otaku journalist writes about the death of gaming culture in 2014.
Try not to break your console while I try not to break my cyber brain.
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