In lieu of an update tonight Lowtax asked me to post the new End-User License Agreement we are going to start using for the web site and the forums. Sorry about not putting an article up today but we need to make sure everyone reads this before continuing to use this site. Thank you.
End-User License Agreement
YOU SHOULD CAREFULLY READ THE FOLLOWING END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT COMPLETELY BEFORE VIEWING THIS ONLINE BAG OF HORRORS ("the Web Site"). WE KNOW YOU WON'T BUT HERE IT IS ANYWAY. BY LOOKING AT, ENJOYING, OR OTHERWISE CURSING THE EXISTANCE OF THIS WEB SITE YOU AGREE TO BE BOUND BY THE TERMS OF THIS AGREEMENT. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE RAISE YOUR HAND AND AN ADULT WILL BE THERE TO HELP YOU SHORTLY.
The articles and features presented on this web site, and any words or phrases that Something Awful delivers to you to "patch", update, or otherwise modify the web site (the "Front Page Update"), as well as any articles on those SA mirror sites I see when I search my name on Google, and any articles, ideas or features other web sites have blatantly stolen from us, as well as any posts, messages, neckbeard pictures and oh-so-hilarious image macros posted on the forums (We own you bitch) are the copyrighted work of Something Awful LLC, which was formed after Lowtax heard a commercial on the radio that said, "INCORPORATE IN TAX-FREE NEVADA AND GET TEN DOLLARS WORTH OF CHIPS! HURRY BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!"
All use of the Web Site is subject to the terms of this End-User License Agreement.
All title, ownership rights and intellectual property rights in and to the Web Site and all copies thereof (including but not limited to, Front Page Updates, computer code, crude flash animations, depictions of humanity through the eyes of a bunch of burnt out cynics on the Internet, images of vomit inducing pornography, descriptions of furry BDSM web sites, hilariously angry emails that were sent to us in response to our dumb reviews that were written for the sole purpose of soliciting such emails, that character that Lowtax used to write that typed like a script kiddy faggot that was really funny but you people ruined because you couldn't stop spewing his fucking catchphrases, images and stories shamelessly mined from our forums, and Shmorky) are owned or expressly licensed by Licensor.
The Web Site is protected by the copyright laws of the United States, international copyright treaties, and other laws you will most likely ignore. All rights are reserved. You may permanently transfer all of your rights and obligations under the License Agreement to another person by running up to them, tapping them on the shoulder, and yelling, "You're it!"
2. Responsibilities of the End User
The user agrees not to, under any circumstances,
(i) sell, grant a security interest in or transfer reproductions of the Web Site to other parties in any way not expressly authorized herein;
(ii) embarrass Licensor by being a complete slob or weighing 400 pounds while reading, posting about or otherwise interacting with the Web Site;
(iii) grow hair that extends down to the neckline without supporting hair on the face that justifies the presence of neck hair;
(iv) ask people if they "have stairs in their house";
(v) back dat ass up.
Something Awful LLC takes the privacy of its users very seriously. We reserve the right to install software on client computers that connect to our servers, including those that do not, in order to monitor your web site usage, computer use, and bowel movements. Something Awful LLC, at its sole discretion, will sell or share this information with its trusted partners for financial gain, fun, or to destroy lives. Something Awful will use this information to serve advertisements to the end user. A product or service will periodically appear in front of articles for you to consider purchasing. If you wish to purchase the product please say, "What the fuck is this shit on my screen?!" and it will be charged to an account already opened in your name that was used to funnel money to our offshore tax evasion huts. Users who disagree with the provisions set forth in this section of the EULA are welcome to come to the back ally between 6th and Main St. and we'll settle this like men.
4. User Submissions
This web site regularly runs user submitted content which allows the user to have their Photoshopped image of a delicious pun (Hehe "Scooby-Dune") featured on the web site for no compensation because that's just the way we likes it. These user submissions (i) must only work with the full version of the Web Site; (ii) must be based on the hit movie "Chicken Run"; and (iii) must be a little bit more worse than the regular content so as to not make us look bad.
This License Agreement is effective until terminated. You may terminate the License Agreement at any time by (i) yelling at your monitor; (ii) faking your own death; (iii) setting fire to my house; (iv) bringing down this web site with a blog that shames both it's creator and contributors; (v) or by sending a signed, notarized letter of cancellation to the hand BECAUSE THE FACE DON'T WANNA LISTEN. The Licensor may at any time terminate this license agreement at their discretion in the event that you fail to comply with the terms and conditions contained herein. In such event you must immediately stop viewing the web site, start sending us "Dear Richards" nonstop, and open an anti-SA web site because hey, that's a completely normal thing to do.
6. Limitation of Liability
NEITHER LICENSOR NOR ITS PARENTS OR AFFILIATES (When we get some Affiliates) SHALL BE LIABLE IN ANY WAY FOR LOSS OR DAMAGE OF ANY KIND RESULTING FROM THE USE OF THIS WEB SITE, WHETHER ACCIDENTAL OR PLANNED BY US, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, LOSS OF DATA, LOSS OF BRAIN CELLS, IMPOTENCY, INCONTINENCE, ACTS OF GORD, BLIMP FATALITIES, OR ANY AND ALL OTHER DAMAGES AND LOSSES. ANY WARRANTY AGAINST INFRINGEMENT THAT MAY BE PROVIDED IN SECTION 2-312(3), A SECTION WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT EXIST AT THIS POINT, OF THE UNIFORM COMMERCIAL CODE AND/OR IN ANY OTHER COMPARABLE STATE STATUTE IS EXPRESSLY DISCLAIMED. WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WE'RE TALKING ABOUT NOW.
Some of the more clever states do not allow the exclusion or limitation of incidental or consequential damages, or allow limitations on how long an implied warranty lasts, because people are so stupid they have to be protected from signing their rights away, so the above limitations may not apply to you.
7. Choice of Law and Venue
This EULA is governed by the laws of The United States of America, exclusive of its conflicts of law provisions. The exclusive venue for litigation regarding or arising from this EULA is the beautiful Madison Square Garden where if you disagree with the provisions set forth in this license you will be subjected to the cold, hard justice of the squared circle where you will battle it out with a member of the Something Awful staff in a no holds barred cage match."I Do Not Agree" button coming Summer 2007!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.