Here is our boss Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka taking a break from writing an update about lawn care to pose for the camera! Hi Lowtax!When I first began writing for Something Awful I discovered very quickly what a wonderful place it is to work at. Everybody is so friendly. I can’t count the number of times other writers have helped me with my updates, given me helpful advice, or accidentally discharged their firearm in my face. It truly is a incredible place to work and we want you to be a part of that. We are currently looking for qualified applicants to join our Something Awful team. Maybe you’ve seen our ad in your local newspaper? If not, here it is.
*** MEN WITH HUGE COCKS ***
*** LOOKING FOR WRITERS FOR WEB SITE ***
*** MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS A DAY ***
*** ALL THE WHORES YOU CAN EAT ***
*** NO COPS PLEASE ***
Due to a tragic blimp accident we have hundreds of positions that we have to fill fast or we risk losing our Employer Bus Pass Program. That’s where you come in. Are you looking to enter the exciting industry of putting words on a web site to be read by millions of people, readers stopping halfway through your update, and then emailing you to call you a fag? Then Something Awful is for you! Our open positions currently include:
Front page updater
Slip and fall scam artist
Director of Fellatio (must have a valid driver license)
In addition to a generous salary that sort of complies with all federal and state minimum wage laws Something Awful employees enjoy a bevy of benefits as long as they sign our indemnity agreement and keep their mouths shut. These include full medical, dental, and vision coverage from our back alley doctor, unlimited use of our official Something Awful glory holes, and two free whiskey bottles (you must supply your own whiskey).
If you are interested in working at Something Awful just call 555-555-GOLD 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You will hear a recorded message informing you of our audition dates and application requirements. While we are an equal opportunity employer applicants must be free of disability, birth defects, and must not be ugly. Sorry, no Polacks.
Our world headquarters!Our auditions are held in beautiful Compton, California. There you will hear a one hour seminar on the history of the Internet, the first Internet settlers, and how to successfully wriggle out of a pair of handcuffs. All applicants are subject to a physical fitness test. You will be pitted against the clock as you race down a typical Compton street while shouting, “Nigger nigger nigger!” If you can successfully jump into our official Something Awful getaway car and make it out of there alive you will be hired.
After the seminar we require a non-refundable processing fee of $98. CASH ONLY. Please bring payment in person to:
Guy in trench coat
Alley between Sav-On and Papa Johns
After we process your application you’ll be well on your way to Internet stardom. You will be given a username and password to our Something Awful content system where you can submit your updates. After you pay the $5 uploading fee your update will be posted to a random geocities site that goes down after roughly 6 hits, after which you can place ads or get sponsors or whatever the fuck you want, we don’t care. Oh, we said we would pay you? Hm, about that… the contract you signed actually says we own your soul. Them's the breaks, kid!
Something Awful really is the best place to work on the net. Don’t believe it? Just take a look at these testimonials.
”I had a wonderful time working at Something Awful and it really spring boarded my Internet writing career. I now edit Wikipedia articles and cry myself to sleep every night. If you don’t ask questions you won’t get your legs broke.”
- Eddie Johnson
”Working at Something Awful was… uhm, was, the most… er, pleasant experience, I… uh… Look, I’ll say whatever you want! Just put away the gun! Please!”
- John Meyer
“Oh God, please give me back my baby. Tommy, mommy loves you. Please don’t! Please!!! Please don’t!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!”
- Pam Phillips
You won’t regret it! Something Awful can be the start of something wonderful for you and your family and/or hogs. Get the skills you need to compete in this Internet marketplace where sharks eat sharks and frogs eat cats. The future is now! The past is irrelevant in a court of law! The present is the future and the future is not the past because I looked those words up in the dictionary and they are antonyms! The future is tomorrow and today is yesterday at Something Awful Enterprises!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.